empty and angry

So expect this post to lack any substance, with a title like that.
and remember I don't even try to make this one coherent, this is my thoughts, and if you are .. . for whatever interested in them, then you can just deal with my thoughts as they are.
Kelvin may get put away, I'm not sure I can, but he's taken enough abuse lately. Nobody seems to really like him, they just all wish every asshole in their life was like him, and that of course life would be better, but Kelvin himself isn't worth . . . I'ld say much, but anything is more like it. I need confidence, I need to be suave like Alexanders, and I should it would be nice. But while thats the personality I designed from me, its not something I can do around people I currently know for two reasons. One is a self doubt thing, its fairly Swaedon like, it so destructive that it paralyzes me, and makes me always worry and makes sure I can't stand with confidence.
But I do have a less skilled way to fake it, although rather than needing time and thought to make work like Alexanders, it requires the opposite, it requires high levels of frustration, stress, anger,
being cornered, if this sounds like adrenaline or animal like characteristics its probably not a bad bet, hes the nature element of the group, and has as much sense, and while inwardly he has no confidence in himself he still believes hes superior to those around him, as opposed to Kelvins belief everyone is more valuable which spurs on his friendly nature, Oriam is outwardly a beast that doesn't back down, hes led by fury.
Kelvin might be getting reduced but in his place is Oriam, which I'm fairly confident most people wouldn't believe is a personality of mine. Although I"m still such a control freak I'm afraid to trust him to help me out. With one word though I'm about to explode and I doubt most people could say a word that would set me off, but she could. She definitely could.
I'm really curious what happens when I try to be confident and let him rush out, and I c her, because she nullifies everything Oriam feeds on, she makes me feel safe, maybe weak, and not good enough, but never scared, except of losing her.
So who's still reading. . . I guess somewhere in here I should give an explanation of the post.
how about this and this is a little old say from Sunday 10:45PM.
Here's the cause of this post:
2599830
Now if that has meaning to you, your good. Of course the people that would read this probably will get it. although they might wonder why my math seems a bit off, but its not.
So that number represents something important to me, and the fact that it can be written down rather than needing a counter, hurts me. Ok, so I'm broken my life is in pieces, my future is slashed, and I'm trying to piece it together, my confidence is . . . well missing and in its place is a fiery anger regularly swapping with an emptiness, that leaves me next to paralyzed. I just kind of hide it and pretend I'm fine, which I've oddly gotten better at, since the last time where I remember having to spend most my time in my room.
Well ok I guess I'll sign off now.

"hold you for the longest time"
"You're my home"
and. . . "its sad and its sweet when I worry" "I believe this is killing me" "a drink they call lonliness, but its better than drinking alone"

and a donny darko happiness
"daily races, going nowhere" "no expression" "drown(d) my sorrow" "look right through me"
"the dreams in which i'm dying are the best i've ever had"