more hurt

Diedre you don't want to read this, I promise you. . . I could be wrong I hardly know what you think any more, but it seems like common sense.

first off look at the time of the post . . . yeah I'm up 1.5 hours of sleep before 10 hour work day . . . again. I guess thats what I get for actually getting 6 hours last night. So just for my records over the last 8 days I know how much sleep I got for 7 of them and it totals 22.5 hours, In a normal week I do get the normal 54 hours of sleep. Heh my days are pretty pathetic, starting from midnight, I stay up to 2-4:30 at which point I force myself to crash on a couch, usually downstairs. Then I wake up at 5:45 can't let that change because if i let myself get out of habit i'll start ignoring my work alarm. Then try to head back to sleep and usually by 8 have given up on getting any more sleep. Here's where it gets depressing. I then get online and open up Pidgin (my IM client), and see if Diedre's on, I wait at first unable to do anything but stare at it. Sometimes Chris or Char gets on and I talk to them, then by about 1, I start trying to do something read webcomics, play poker, something while waiting for Diedre to show up. Then at about 3-4 I eat some small snack for lunch. I go back up knowing she might get home soon, and I might be able to get more thoughts off my chest. Usually by this point I feel guilty for something I've said to Charlotte. At about 5-5:30 (someone brings home food) I eat about 4 to 5 more bites (literally) for dinner. I feel sick, head back upstairs and Diedre eventually gets on, she either is home for just an instant before having to many friends to bother with me or she has time, but keeps stopping to talk to her roomate, who isn't the most polite person in the world. Not that she needs to be polite but I'm sure she'ld understand if Diedre were to say 2 secs let me type one last message and say brb or kim or something to let me know she was vanishing, but she doesn't.

So I wait get upset, usually keep in control sometimes piss her off, the most recent one was quoting her from when I had kept her waiting in the past and she not realizing it quoted me almost exactly so I quoted her, she got pissed not even realizing I was quoting her (I think she didn't realize).

I find it funny that when I was little I said sorry a lot, I probably still do, but not nearly as much and not as a defensive mechanism when people are mad. But I got yelled at it, before that i had an excuse for everything, I got yelled at. My family I've never been spanked, but when you have my mom's voice you don't need corporal punishment. Diedre on the other hand, has stricter parents, they have her terrified of not listening to them, and yet she still has excuses for everything and says sorry all the fucking time. . . of course she didn't say sorry when we were dating because I took blame for everything (stupid philosophies of mine), but now its like really could you take responsibility for anything. I'm the one that believes in god damn calculated fate, and I take responsibility for anything I could halfway be sort of in any slight way blamed.

I guess not, why take responsibility when you can have 1000 excuses and never accomplish a task. I would try to help her, I would, as a friend, because it's a hard habit to get around, but she's so eager to push me away if I brought it up she'ld eat me alive. . . again.

I had more I did, . . . maybe it was about how stunned people seem, when I say she won't let me call her, or maybe it's the fact that I've now banned myself from emailing her beyond apologies, because emails seem to hurt her (even though after waiting all day when I feel blown off it was one way I could pretend I still got to talk to her), or maybe it was how I have no idea (this is a lie) why I am still in love with her, or why I fell in love with her in the first place (still a lie). She's asked me a couple of times why I loved her (not since wanting a break), and how do you answer that I always said because she's so amazing, but fuck it heres a list of fucking reasons when I'm not worried about offending, or trying to think on the spot, just writing what comes as I type
First off, you compliment my skills, personality, lifestyle amazingly,
Second off, you are fucking hot, out of this world gorgeous
3rd, you care about a lot of the right things
4th, You made me who I am
5th Your really fucking talented, your art is unbelievable (some of your glass stuff could be better, but its still impressive, and I still wish you would continue it) your knowledge of animals really surpasses mine, and I study them for a career, your outright smarter than me, and when you put your mind to it, you can do a lot more than I can.
6th Your willing to work with me
7th I can help you improve (there are few people my limited talent can actually help)
8th Your parents are a hoot (ok not a reason I love you just a reason your fun to be with)
9th You dislike people enough i can get alone time with you
10th Your honest
11th You want me to be honest
12th fuck its 5:30 . . . so I'm off to shower and shave for work.

By the way I've been falling apart literally my wrist has bled, my hand skin has shed so many layers, Sunday I was spitting blood, but who the fuck cares. Why the hell am I still talking
and fucking Diedre will read this and cry I guess at the top I need to add a Diedre don't read.

Done ohh and this post fits none of my characters, its just a pissed off love sick child, who wants things he knows he can't have, but mostly just respect from someone he loves, who keeps saying there are feelings and a type of love, but won't even trust him.

score: 80/100 or 95% (and dropping rapidly)
A dream