test

This is a test. . . . This is a test. . . .

Test	[Scottster/Utility 2]
You play around with your technology finding out how to do new stuff.
[At-Will] :diamond: Technological, Analytical, Implement]
[Standard Action] - [Touch, Implement]
Target:[one object]
Attack:[Int vs Will]
[hit]: You find out weaknesses and strengths of a program as if you had succeeded on a technology check

Test completed. . . .Test completed. . . .

Don't panic

I'm doing well I think, aside from the kind of half almost mini panic attacks, and the lack of stability in my head (more so than normal. . . I think).
UPDATE:
I guess I'll start with the newest stuff first

BRANDON is now in the AIRFORCE week 1 of boot camp. It kind of makes me feel like an only child, although has me in and out of paranoid worry for him. . .to be honest I'm worried more when he gets out of bootcamp, that some idiot's gonna attack the mechanics.

Second is I'm not sure if I'm getting over David if its getting worse or better, most the panic attack type things are on behalf of him. SO ok description of panic attack thing:
Shortness of breath, rapid breathing, kind of stunned in place in whatever I'm doing, lasts less than 15 seconds.
Anyhow, I miss him, and I still say its not fair. I don't think I'm going into the fair thing.

3rd I'm pissed at me, cuz Diedre is still fucking with my head. . . and I haven't even talked to her in forever, I think it bothers me that she was so insistent she wanted to be my friend, and I tried so hard, to keep enough distance to let her be comfortable. Also kind of offended that she can call herself David's brother for 5 years, but didn't have the time of day to show up to his funeral or help with his walk, but I know not to expect more out of her, thats just Diedre. She's not trying to be offenisve, and she probably believes she couldn't make it.

Anyhow the real reason I'm pissed, has nothing to do with that those are just boiling thoughts that keep me from blaming me. But I'm all missing a cuddle buddy so badly, and it hit me real hard while I was messing around with Charlotte, and then all of a sudden middle of pretending to steal Chris's gf I was like crap I really want to be all cuddly and so was like, nope take arm away from the charlotte, stupid wanting to have gf.
Then Paola asked if I wanted to hang out, and I'm still confused but I think I prefer it that way.
She invited me to a movie, then we went out for food, I assumed after that we were heading home. . . which I guess she was heading home. . . instead of back to my car, so then we watched some tv movies, till 3 (which I thought was fine since i didn't work till 3 (forgetting i vollunteer at 9)). But its like I still remember her saying very firmly she was not looking for any relationships just a friend. For a tiny bit she tried to get me hooked up with her friend but I was to busy to make it to any parties. But the whole time my head was like make a move, make a move, make a move.
Anyhow I think I prefer the confused state, cuz then it leaves me in this position where she doesn't know me or my friends well enough to spread anything i say, I like/trust her enough to stuff I probably shouldn't to her, and yet I can't fuck things up, because I'm fairly confident nothing can come out of it. So she's just kind of a safe person.

Ok so character facts,
that book is so not doing well. I was thinking that maybe the villain for book 2 needs to be pushed back to book 3 or 4, or maybe start in 2 and end later. I also learned Chid's design is based off of faulty information i misunderstood from like freshman year of hs.

Max

So I didn't want to post about max right off the bat, cuz I didn't want to make Char cry, but I think he deserves a memorial post. Kind of sorry he's stuck on this post, but if I don't put him here he'll never get a post, he was a good dog, I guess now on for the rest of the post that no one cares about.

Yay for being emo, when I'm depressed and moody when Diedre hurts herself its ok though. Or is it ok because now that she doesn't do it any more after dating me, being emo is now a crime. I mean i get Mark wasn't any one worth looking up to, but really what the fuck did he do that was so fucking bad that he equals all the hate of the world. I mean with how obsessed she is, sort of like with twilight, I would swear she secretly had a crush on him or something.

heh "Don't let the light go out its lasted for so many years, don't let the light go out let it shine through our love and our tears"
It's whats playing. . . and its kind of where I'm going with this post, although not in the context of the song.
I'm not sure what I'm doing any more, if its even worth trying to work in biology, or in ecology, or if trying to help the world, whether its people or just life. No one cares, or not enough to do anything, the few that might are beating the shit out of themselves to go no where and get laughed at. . . given being laughed at hasn't ever bothered me, my attitude since hs has been at least someones getting enjoyment. Of course I'm a freak of nature and other people would want to injure them self for being laughed at, but I'm the disgusting pathetic one.

Hell, I tried to talk to her yesterday its been awhile. . . I should know better than to do that, the longer its been the angrier I get, and so I was an ass, so of course we won't talk again for awhile. . .Ironically I was talking to her hoping to get over my anger, so maybe i could be friendly with her, but as she put it why would she care if I could be civil in person. . . I mean really why would we ever want to be in the same room again. . . I mean she just "loves me forever" and "wants to be my friend" (both things said after she broke up with me)why do I think the truth is worth anything, I should just lie, tell her i'm fine, nothings up, I have some amazing life and am so distracted by it I don't even think of her.

But no I'm an idiot, the irony is the only person likely to read this is Char, who I"m probably offending. . .yay i'm such an awesome person

Ok, so since "I'm a loser baby why don't you kill me" I mean really what the hell am I worth Diedre tells me I shouldn't say I"m worthless but when I ask for just one thing of value, she just goes silent. Everyone else and she used to say i was nice, great. . . i'm nice that makes everything better, now people will leave the forests standing, and wolves will be bulletproof, and amphibians will be immune from disease, the oceans won't be polluted, and life won't feel pain. I mean really if I ended up dead today if I drove full speed into a wall on the way to work. . . what would happen
How many people would even be at my funeral. . . how many days would it take for life to return to normal. . . or end up better, because no one would have to worry about me being such a fuck up.
No more food, no more gas, no more insurance, no more wasting oxygen, no more killing animals, no more need to take up space from others,
no more expensive psychologist, of course I normally avoid that because of the expensive
Maybe i could even make a good bye speech and make something happy . . .but yeah right like people would take me seriously in death, in life people take me about as serious sponge bob.

Ok so I'm far more Oriam now than most people have seen, but I"m hiding it, cuz I don't like Oriam. Then again it's more like Oriam's youth, his turning into Oriam
He always has the issues, but i guess the inferiority issues remind me of his youth. His father is stronger faster and smarter than him, so he ends up with an inferiority complex being that his dad is pretty much the only person he knows, and his dad is this paranoid recluse hiding from society but acts level headed, but his paranoia leads him to keep pushing Oriam until he ends up with this inferiority issue he never escapes. On top of that Oriam is just an angry person, he lacks the head and social network to really deal with any of his issues and since his whole life tends to be violence he uses anger. . . to deal with every negative aspect of his life, as he ages he gets more reclusive in both his place in the world and his emotional karyotype.
Ok now you've had a story update and not a cheap shot like i've done for awhile.

PS: sometimes saying thoughts to someone makes them very different than when they were just thoughts, and sometimes when you have someone you can say anything to, you say something and then you realize now that you've said that you can't say anything
I wonder if I'll make it to work . . .i know i will

everything? recovered? and sorry

heh, its funny . . . obsessions, my life, my failures, even my successes.
Yes this is back to that stream of concious sort of fuck trying to let people make sense of it, which is obnoxious when I go back to reading when I don't remember what I was thinking. Anyhow I figured I should update this. I figured after 2 months I should let Diedre know my terms of the break, not that it matters while I kept waiting for her to decide something and had my own suggestions, answers, preferences, she made me wait until we met back up. SO after waiting and waiting, she wanted me to give my side first, but because my side was so lenient I didn't want her to change her mind, so I let her go first. What pisses me off is she was like you sure, because her answer was just to break up. Why would she bother to have me come up with rules to give her, just to break up with me. It really sort of pissed me off, that she wanted me to do all that, acted like it was inevitable that there was no turning back, yet wanted me to keep pushing myself down a path I didn't like, for nothing. Actually it was just to make it hurt more, I know that wasn't her intention, but thats what the end result would have been. Any how my complicated rules, you want a break, well then "do whatever the fuck you want" if you want my preferences I can give you those but those are the limitations. I want an end date or condition, some form of contact every so often, and that you come back to me. Hell, while we were dating I was ok with her experimenting with fucking anything, she didn't really need a break for that, but I guess I didn't let her do anything, like (sensored for the public for slander avoidance(not sure why since this stuff is written on her facebook status updates)).
I am better now I guess, I've recovered? I don't like lines and I don't really like that attempted phrase. Recovered assumes things have a return to the way they were before, which they can't really do since that whole breaking up thing assumes its not going to be the way it was, unless your referring to 5 years back at which point I was a different person, with less confidence, more worried, and more believing some people were worth saving from their own stupidty. . . or rather others stupidity. But thats not really who I am now, so its hard to claim a return to that.
So I guess you could say I'm scarred, but thats bad too. Because that assumes a sort of wound and change, but what doesn't change you. . . really you woke up dismorning and didn't stub your toe, that makes you slight less paranoid about stubbing your toe, now your different than 3 minutes ago, some changes are larger more lifelong but where do you draw the line between whats scarring and whats normal.
There are a lot of things you could claim I am, but thats why I don't like definitive lines I would say things continue and they change, and I'm different now then I was, whether anyone realizes it, is there own issue.
The reason in the end I can't forgive her, is when she said she couldn't forgive me. Thats the one thing about me that has never changed, I am reflective and vengeful. I'm not sure I will ever forgive her for not letting me say goodbye.
The irony is my attempt to is when she said she could never forgive me, trust me, or that I could ever even be a real friend of hers. 5 years of honesty, giving all I had and ruined with one action once. . . for saying good bye.
But then again while I logic it that way, society disagrees with me, pretty much a unanimous everyone decides I was a little creepy, but she went overboard, but they're being nice to me so maybe she wasn't even overboard.

What the fuck society is that, that trust is ruined by saying good bye, and 5 years of complete suicidal honesty is meaningless. Like really doing everything and I'm tired of protecting her so I'll say my stupid blaming game. I did everything at the end that involved the schools I picked, the time I waited to pick them, the job I picked, my quality of life, my spending value, in the end that costed me graduate school, for at least another year, which I think I may have even subconciously wanted after I learned she was staying in Houston or San Antonio because she had changed her mind after I waited a year for her to make up her mind. See I had 2 goals in life, one improve the world for all life-->I decided the route to best do this for me was be an ecologist. 2)Make Diedre happy--> I put this ahead of everything, because I'm of the belief you can only do one thing in life with a guarantee.
But I messed up . . . you see I listened to her every word. That combined with my slow continuous movement made any big changes I made unnoticeable and had this belief that she knew what she wanted, but who really does.

SO after she tried to make my life recover to the way it was before I ever met her (this includes taking back all the friends, but one, that I had met while dating her)you might see why I'm angry . . . not quite the right word, maybe its just disappointed that the girl who didn't believe phrases that I said that may have sounded cliche' but I promise you they were more than that (of course I didn't really want her to know that they were real).

In the end in her break up that I shouldn't be upset about, she insulted my family and offended my friends. Yet apparently I'm the only one thats done anything wrong. Because yes you can always point blame, and yes I pretty much always take blame. I never except a sorry, because sorry. . . to me is a very baggage filled word.

Sorry:"When you say sorry it means it was an accident, and you will try your best to not let it happen again" but most people take it as I feel bad for you, and sometimes that it was my fault, but no one really takes it in my head the way I want it to be. They all say it as an emotional band aid. I don't want an emotional "I feel bad for you". I want a way out a way to fix things, but no one ever does no one ever takes responsibility and no one ever wants to really accomplish things.

Thats why I always take the blame, because if something can in a way be my fault I accept it, and figure out how I could have prevented it and work on it. Like I realize I could have made the relationship work, but I'm finally tired of dealing with all the shit and having it blamed on me continuously, when it wasn't just me. it wasn't even mostly me.
But whatever I'll never get my way ever, not in a society that i have an option of living in. So when everyone keeps saying oh you don't want to be alone and you'll find someone and I just say maybe.
Its not me not being confident; its me tired of people, me happy with me my thoughts and tired of people. The friend system is beautiful you don't fucking break up with friends. . . I mean some people do, you can have as many as you like, you can have varying levels, sometimes people name them, and they can fade in and out, and after awhile you can talk again. I wish all relationships were that way but no way in this society not that I'm personally a polygamist I'm to shy, but I don't see why its an issue. But no, there has to be a defined line of were dating, a defined line of were broken up and those lines seperate people from unseperable 1sts in each others life, to I can't bother to see you.
I mean fuck Diedre half the time claimed she was going to not be ______'s friend.

Oh well and for my story I'm thinking about naming an order after her(Diedre), no they're not villains, they are sort of good guys.

missdirection

so I guess I should go clarify those links first.
bleep=cunt
stimuli=a lot of different things, some of these involve how honest should I be, some of these how hard should I try, some of these what is ok to say to people, sorry I'm still kind of coding everything, but I'm out of people to trust, and those I can, can ask me individually, but not leaving this out for just those interested enough. I hate drama, I hate dishonesty, I hate hiding, but those seem things I can't avoid, so I'm starting to be more normal, and I'm lying, I'm hiding things, and I'm more willing to create drama. So whatever, next link
events= ok on this one not quite sure what I was going for I think it was just visiting friends, the Science Academy and being scared of Burks.
thoughts=Ok so this is the most difficult part, its a true rant it involves how I love persons, hate people, and severely dislike the word persons. It has to do with why I can't stand our society, it even has to do with a love of life. I could go into it. But really if you care to know talk to me, I really stop caring to post just for readers, I'ld rather just have people.

Ok so its 3:00 Matt should get up for bfast in an hour, yes that is PM. We got to sleep at 4 am, so he likes his sleep, its funny how dysfunctional he is, and yet how I so far prefer that to pretty much everyone else. I mean while I"m throwing out insults, its frustrating that when I'm with him I pretty much can't hang out with other friends, because hes gotten to the point where he thinks meeting people is pointless, he's so lost faith in humanity that he'ld rather not know any one. He has delusions of this dream Socialist steam punk paradise, which he knows is a delusion, and which half is more I think is questionable to both of us, not because of the lack of realism but because of the lack of people to do anything. Matt is more honorable than most, while he still lives at home, and hates what he's doing with his life, he really is loyal to those hes loyal to, he doesn't hide his distaste of people or things, he keeps his values, he cares more than most people, and oddly for people, even though he seems so disgusted with them. He's one of the few I think that sort of agrees with me, and yet hasn't been so brainwashed by society that he can actually do what he says. His real flaw the only one I really count against him despite all that i've said that counts against society but I really say because I refuse to give compliments without riddling people I respect with insults. His one flaw is the flaw that so many people have but he has it more, Diedre isn't immune from this either, but with her its more just sad that she will settle for mediocre, for Matt its not only sad for him but he might really do things, but my stupid philosophy of next to noninterpherence will stop me. Ok so attempt 3 Matt's flaw is seeing what he wants to do . . . and not doing anything, the answer to life, and the more I live it the more I believe it, is when you see something you want to do, just do it. Don't worry about consequences failure, or anything jsut do it. . . NOw if you really care. . . this is where problems occur, and why you can have one thing if you want it bad enough, but two is questionable. If you really care, then you may not go for something if it involves someone else, which is most everything, so then you have to decide do you go for just your one thing or your one person, or do you try to find some balance, and I'm tired of balance, because I balanced for a very long time and now I have nothing, except the things I threw off the balance . . .as ironic as that is. I make a terrible friend, and thats all I will ever be, maybe not true, but I have a hard time seeing life going any other path. I so much disgust in people and myself, and everything that to have a relationship that anyone requires to be sane I lack. Yet I know how small of a thing it would take for me to be in a relationship, its the thing I secretly crave most, its what caused me to mistakes, only one at the moment really seems like a mistake. I don't understand how 5 years means nothing. How all I can do is count it as loss, I guess I can count the friends I made through it. . . 2
Everyone else, I'm not allowed to talk to. . . I"m hardly allowed to think of. Diedre's score by the way is sort of dead she had 2 counts going let me figure out what they've been reduced to.
-20 and 60, still trying to be lenient, but finding it difficult to find reasons. but whatever her loss. . .the irony is the attitude is supposebly based on the score, which is this in my head ironic loop. OK, so Oriam has a boring face, and Swaedon's perfection isn't quite so perfect and he wears long robes, in part just to hide all his scars or to him symbols of failure and reminders of why to always be vigilant and careful about every detail.

HOLD YOUR HORSES

I'll get this post done eventually . . . I think, I'm tired and getting real work done now, I will call the wasted time resume skill building yay for beefing up my html skills and figuring out how to outsmart machines.

more hurt

Diedre you don't want to read this, I promise you. . . I could be wrong I hardly know what you think any more, but it seems like common sense.

first off look at the time of the post . . . yeah I'm up 1.5 hours of sleep before 10 hour work day . . . again. I guess thats what I get for actually getting 6 hours last night. So just for my records over the last 8 days I know how much sleep I got for 7 of them and it totals 22.5 hours, In a normal week I do get the normal 54 hours of sleep. Heh my days are pretty pathetic, starting from midnight, I stay up to 2-4:30 at which point I force myself to crash on a couch, usually downstairs. Then I wake up at 5:45 can't let that change because if i let myself get out of habit i'll start ignoring my work alarm. Then try to head back to sleep and usually by 8 have given up on getting any more sleep. Here's where it gets depressing. I then get online and open up Pidgin (my IM client), and see if Diedre's on, I wait at first unable to do anything but stare at it. Sometimes Chris or Char gets on and I talk to them, then by about 1, I start trying to do something read webcomics, play poker, something while waiting for Diedre to show up. Then at about 3-4 I eat some small snack for lunch. I go back up knowing she might get home soon, and I might be able to get more thoughts off my chest. Usually by this point I feel guilty for something I've said to Charlotte. At about 5-5:30 (someone brings home food) I eat about 4 to 5 more bites (literally) for dinner. I feel sick, head back upstairs and Diedre eventually gets on, she either is home for just an instant before having to many friends to bother with me or she has time, but keeps stopping to talk to her roomate, who isn't the most polite person in the world. Not that she needs to be polite but I'm sure she'ld understand if Diedre were to say 2 secs let me type one last message and say brb or kim or something to let me know she was vanishing, but she doesn't.

So I wait get upset, usually keep in control sometimes piss her off, the most recent one was quoting her from when I had kept her waiting in the past and she not realizing it quoted me almost exactly so I quoted her, she got pissed not even realizing I was quoting her (I think she didn't realize).

I find it funny that when I was little I said sorry a lot, I probably still do, but not nearly as much and not as a defensive mechanism when people are mad. But I got yelled at it, before that i had an excuse for everything, I got yelled at. My family I've never been spanked, but when you have my mom's voice you don't need corporal punishment. Diedre on the other hand, has stricter parents, they have her terrified of not listening to them, and yet she still has excuses for everything and says sorry all the fucking time. . . of course she didn't say sorry when we were dating because I took blame for everything (stupid philosophies of mine), but now its like really could you take responsibility for anything. I'm the one that believes in god damn calculated fate, and I take responsibility for anything I could halfway be sort of in any slight way blamed.

I guess not, why take responsibility when you can have 1000 excuses and never accomplish a task. I would try to help her, I would, as a friend, because it's a hard habit to get around, but she's so eager to push me away if I brought it up she'ld eat me alive. . . again.

I had more I did, . . . maybe it was about how stunned people seem, when I say she won't let me call her, or maybe it's the fact that I've now banned myself from emailing her beyond apologies, because emails seem to hurt her (even though after waiting all day when I feel blown off it was one way I could pretend I still got to talk to her), or maybe it was how I have no idea (this is a lie) why I am still in love with her, or why I fell in love with her in the first place (still a lie). She's asked me a couple of times why I loved her (not since wanting a break), and how do you answer that I always said because she's so amazing, but fuck it heres a list of fucking reasons when I'm not worried about offending, or trying to think on the spot, just writing what comes as I type
First off, you compliment my skills, personality, lifestyle amazingly,
Second off, you are fucking hot, out of this world gorgeous
3rd, you care about a lot of the right things
4th, You made me who I am
5th Your really fucking talented, your art is unbelievable (some of your glass stuff could be better, but its still impressive, and I still wish you would continue it) your knowledge of animals really surpasses mine, and I study them for a career, your outright smarter than me, and when you put your mind to it, you can do a lot more than I can.
6th Your willing to work with me
7th I can help you improve (there are few people my limited talent can actually help)
8th Your parents are a hoot (ok not a reason I love you just a reason your fun to be with)
9th You dislike people enough i can get alone time with you
10th Your honest
11th You want me to be honest
12th fuck its 5:30 . . . so I'm off to shower and shave for work.

By the way I've been falling apart literally my wrist has bled, my hand skin has shed so many layers, Sunday I was spitting blood, but who the fuck cares. Why the hell am I still talking
and fucking Diedre will read this and cry I guess at the top I need to add a Diedre don't read.

Done ohh and this post fits none of my characters, its just a pissed off love sick child, who wants things he knows he can't have, but mostly just respect from someone he loves, who keeps saying there are feelings and a type of love, but won't even trust him.

score: 80/100 or 95% (and dropping rapidly)
A dream