Max

So I didn't want to post about max right off the bat, cuz I didn't want to make Char cry, but I think he deserves a memorial post. Kind of sorry he's stuck on this post, but if I don't put him here he'll never get a post, he was a good dog, I guess now on for the rest of the post that no one cares about.

Yay for being emo, when I'm depressed and moody when Diedre hurts herself its ok though. Or is it ok because now that she doesn't do it any more after dating me, being emo is now a crime. I mean i get Mark wasn't any one worth looking up to, but really what the fuck did he do that was so fucking bad that he equals all the hate of the world. I mean with how obsessed she is, sort of like with twilight, I would swear she secretly had a crush on him or something.

heh "Don't let the light go out its lasted for so many years, don't let the light go out let it shine through our love and our tears"
It's whats playing. . . and its kind of where I'm going with this post, although not in the context of the song.
I'm not sure what I'm doing any more, if its even worth trying to work in biology, or in ecology, or if trying to help the world, whether its people or just life. No one cares, or not enough to do anything, the few that might are beating the shit out of themselves to go no where and get laughed at. . . given being laughed at hasn't ever bothered me, my attitude since hs has been at least someones getting enjoyment. Of course I'm a freak of nature and other people would want to injure them self for being laughed at, but I'm the disgusting pathetic one.

Hell, I tried to talk to her yesterday its been awhile. . . I should know better than to do that, the longer its been the angrier I get, and so I was an ass, so of course we won't talk again for awhile. . .Ironically I was talking to her hoping to get over my anger, so maybe i could be friendly with her, but as she put it why would she care if I could be civil in person. . . I mean really why would we ever want to be in the same room again. . . I mean she just "loves me forever" and "wants to be my friend" (both things said after she broke up with me)why do I think the truth is worth anything, I should just lie, tell her i'm fine, nothings up, I have some amazing life and am so distracted by it I don't even think of her.

But no I'm an idiot, the irony is the only person likely to read this is Char, who I"m probably offending. . .yay i'm such an awesome person

Ok, so since "I'm a loser baby why don't you kill me" I mean really what the hell am I worth Diedre tells me I shouldn't say I"m worthless but when I ask for just one thing of value, she just goes silent. Everyone else and she used to say i was nice, great. . . i'm nice that makes everything better, now people will leave the forests standing, and wolves will be bulletproof, and amphibians will be immune from disease, the oceans won't be polluted, and life won't feel pain. I mean really if I ended up dead today if I drove full speed into a wall on the way to work. . . what would happen
How many people would even be at my funeral. . . how many days would it take for life to return to normal. . . or end up better, because no one would have to worry about me being such a fuck up.
No more food, no more gas, no more insurance, no more wasting oxygen, no more killing animals, no more need to take up space from others,
no more expensive psychologist, of course I normally avoid that because of the expensive
Maybe i could even make a good bye speech and make something happy . . .but yeah right like people would take me seriously in death, in life people take me about as serious sponge bob.

Ok so I'm far more Oriam now than most people have seen, but I"m hiding it, cuz I don't like Oriam. Then again it's more like Oriam's youth, his turning into Oriam
He always has the issues, but i guess the inferiority issues remind me of his youth. His father is stronger faster and smarter than him, so he ends up with an inferiority complex being that his dad is pretty much the only person he knows, and his dad is this paranoid recluse hiding from society but acts level headed, but his paranoia leads him to keep pushing Oriam until he ends up with this inferiority issue he never escapes. On top of that Oriam is just an angry person, he lacks the head and social network to really deal with any of his issues and since his whole life tends to be violence he uses anger. . . to deal with every negative aspect of his life, as he ages he gets more reclusive in both his place in the world and his emotional karyotype.
Ok now you've had a story update and not a cheap shot like i've done for awhile.

PS: sometimes saying thoughts to someone makes them very different than when they were just thoughts, and sometimes when you have someone you can say anything to, you say something and then you realize now that you've said that you can't say anything
I wonder if I'll make it to work . . .i know i will