not a WASTE
So whats new I screwed up yet again, when you decide not to do somthing its not always good to say it, but of course me my lifes an open book I have to fuckin say everything to her, theres not one damn thing I don't say that has any signifigance at all to anything in the entire world. Then again I'm also dumb enough I guess not to make it clear that I had made a decision, almost immediately of course I never trust that so I did a what if, and found that it wouldn't even really be plausible, it's like putting me in the desert with nothing to eat and expecting me to live off photosynthesis its not gonna happen I"m not that way and I never will be. But this weekend is not a waste of a weekend forty bucks missing out on friends (new friends, not most of you slobs other than Daniel who seem to forget on a daily basis I exist, Kevin and Robert. . .maybe) , 4 hours of driving, nearly getting in multiple accidents, having ambulances in both my home cities (here and Georgetown), remind me that life is but a breath of wind and that added to the fact that I'm a biologist, goes to life is a breath of wind with one of two results you live you have children and you die or you live and you die, one is successful one is not, because one passes on the only truly living thing on this god forsaken planet called DNA, no other life matters we are not superior, to ducks, insects, molds, viruses, none of it, and arguably not even more important than a rock we are merely a tool of war for DNA to have their war with each other and see who can become more numerous. So we might as well enjoy life and make other lives better since we really have no fucking purpose. But of course when I know things are working they always and usually pretty quickly fail or do somthing to scare me back in to uncertainty, and of course I was cocky enough to think hey look nothings going wrong, hey look things can work out, and so I started throwing ideas around in my head looking to far ahead, I knew I was, but it kept me smillng, and everything seemed like it would work will I became sure it would work, nothing other than maybe death or some life altering even if even that would make it not work.
Of course with one line my whole world seems to tremble, and I can see exactly how everything can fall, because I was dumb enough, to build everything on one thing, and because of things that tore up my world before that one thing there is really very little else other than that one thing left. AND now. . .
I'm not very coherent am I?? that might be because it's 2:50 in the morning, my eyes are burning and not from crying, my stomache feels like there's a knife in it, and I have an hour and a half of sleep so far there are a lot of things I can do when you ask me to from be happy at times when I thought I couldn't, to drive safely when I could care less about life, but to go to sleep, nnno thats not really possible,
I wonder if my message is loud enough to be audible, I wonder if you've heard it yet, and no it is not possible for me to date some one else and yes I do know, and no I didn' t think that with Kristin, with Kristin I didn't think much at all, but what I did think was it would last until high school ended, then I couldn't continue to go out with her and we would peacefully break up, but she happenned to just stop liking me first I didn't realize emotions could be so. . .fickle.. .and so I lost, I had known things wouldn't work out in the wrong one but optimistically hoped otherwise
YOU things could have worked out they were, and now I just have things ripping me to shreads,,, everything in my life has said trust the family structure religion thou shalt obey your parents or somthing I'm tired, society, myself the only antifamily thing is oh god it seems to work there is no counterarguement and you must question everything, and thats it. and yet I mean I could date you for years and my mom not care but I couldn't go any further with her acceptance. That really hurts, and even imagining trying to be with someone else hurts . . .I can't even say, but then. . .
having you step back from me, and realizing you don't even want me to kiss you anymore, is. . . shattering,,, becausse if you can't tell its a pretty good sign I Losst you
and I can't do thattt
I still haven't said why it's not a waste, because the time I get with you certaintly isn't counting for much I've only made you miserable and I . . . am far from happier than being in tears missing you,
RenFest is . . . great when your worlds not crashing down, but how the hell with a grudge like this surrounded by peoples I know cccccan I fix things
Visiting my dorm great. . . you hate me this is my gf who um m . . . makes me feel like I'm crap at the moment everybody come and meet her, yeah that works.
You realize yesterday is the first time I ever hugged you and was sad, and now is the only time the thought of you makes me feel worse, and your amazing I will never cease to know that, and there is no one more amazing in the world, and I love you more than anything in the world, but all that just makes it more sickening....
If you couldn't tell I hurt a lot'
and I'm not finishing any thoughts so going back again, it hurts a lot to know I'm purposely doing the exact opposite of what my mom asks, and even imagining it hurts to, but it's all more than compensated for if I get you
See because when I said I loved your more than anything in the world I realllly meant it, more than ANYTHING and thing's includes ones, so if you haven't gotten the point because everyone who's still reading it ( no one at all), has caughten on to what I'm saying and is either like Scott you horrible person, or is like this kid is such a momma's boy. but if you still haven't gotten it come and ask me, if I haven't already told you
and . . .AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHfiujewrew84r03240tejoijglkdcmnbvkldfghjojpre';'ipoiahfbl
So maybe I'm destined to feel like each of my characters, and now I think I get more of what Swaedon felt betrayed by all, with no one to come to because those were the ones who either betrayed him or left him.
Thanks to all no matter which one of the two you are
On a happy note
don't worry I'm learning to hate people just like all of you
c you soon
A happy perky, wandering how long till death, dude who is still your friend :-D
Of course with one line my whole world seems to tremble, and I can see exactly how everything can fall, because I was dumb enough, to build everything on one thing, and because of things that tore up my world before that one thing there is really very little else other than that one thing left. AND now. . .
I'm not very coherent am I?? that might be because it's 2:50 in the morning, my eyes are burning and not from crying, my stomache feels like there's a knife in it, and I have an hour and a half of sleep so far there are a lot of things I can do when you ask me to from be happy at times when I thought I couldn't, to drive safely when I could care less about life, but to go to sleep, nnno thats not really possible,
I wonder if my message is loud enough to be audible, I wonder if you've heard it yet, and no it is not possible for me to date some one else and yes I do know, and no I didn' t think that with Kristin, with Kristin I didn't think much at all, but what I did think was it would last until high school ended, then I couldn't continue to go out with her and we would peacefully break up, but she happenned to just stop liking me first I didn't realize emotions could be so. . .fickle.. .and so I lost, I had known things wouldn't work out in the wrong one but optimistically hoped otherwise
YOU things could have worked out they were, and now I just have things ripping me to shreads,,, everything in my life has said trust the family structure religion thou shalt obey your parents or somthing I'm tired, society, myself the only antifamily thing is oh god it seems to work there is no counterarguement and you must question everything, and thats it. and yet I mean I could date you for years and my mom not care but I couldn't go any further with her acceptance. That really hurts, and even imagining trying to be with someone else hurts . . .I can't even say, but then. . .
having you step back from me, and realizing you don't even want me to kiss you anymore, is. . . shattering,,, becausse if you can't tell its a pretty good sign I Losst you
and I can't do thattt
I still haven't said why it's not a waste, because the time I get with you certaintly isn't counting for much I've only made you miserable and I . . . am far from happier than being in tears missing you,
RenFest is . . . great when your worlds not crashing down, but how the hell with a grudge like this surrounded by peoples I know cccccan I fix things
Visiting my dorm great. . . you hate me this is my gf who um m . . . makes me feel like I'm crap at the moment everybody come and meet her, yeah that works.
You realize yesterday is the first time I ever hugged you and was sad, and now is the only time the thought of you makes me feel worse, and your amazing I will never cease to know that, and there is no one more amazing in the world, and I love you more than anything in the world, but all that just makes it more sickening....
If you couldn't tell I hurt a lot'
and I'm not finishing any thoughts so going back again, it hurts a lot to know I'm purposely doing the exact opposite of what my mom asks, and even imagining it hurts to, but it's all more than compensated for if I get you
See because when I said I loved your more than anything in the world I realllly meant it, more than ANYTHING and thing's includes ones, so if you haven't gotten the point because everyone who's still reading it ( no one at all), has caughten on to what I'm saying and is either like Scott you horrible person, or is like this kid is such a momma's boy. but if you still haven't gotten it come and ask me, if I haven't already told you
and . . .AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHfiujewrew84r03240tejoijglkdcmnbvkldfghjojpre';'ipoiahfbl
So maybe I'm destined to feel like each of my characters, and now I think I get more of what Swaedon felt betrayed by all, with no one to come to because those were the ones who either betrayed him or left him.
Thanks to all no matter which one of the two you are
On a happy note
don't worry I'm learning to hate people just like all of you
c you soon
A happy perky, wandering how long till death, dude who is still your friend :-D
posted by Scott | 2:32 AM
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