dry I try

my eyes are dry from staring at a screen, my insides feel like they could be torn out, or that they have been torn out, I think I've just been told that the next I see my gf she plans to break up with me, I mean I'm trying to find ways around everything I do.
I feel like I've been crying for hours, but I haven't shed a tear. I try I really do I really really really do. She said she probably won't break up with me, but she has no faith in anything about me which I guess is fair, I should be expected to fail at everything in life.
I try I really do I really really really do. is the story of my life. I know my grammar and punctuation are off, but I'm not really trying to be correct, cuz here I'm done trying I"m done failing. Everything I do I try and everything that matters usually amounts to nothing if not causing trouble.

My emotions are tired . . . exhausted, they've been on a roller coaster for so long.
These lows aren't really getting easier.
Heh I just told her to have a great night and I doubt she really thinks I mean it, I doubt she believes my I love you was meant well, and my kiss meant because I really do want to kiss her. I"m sure she sees it as just more sarcastic politeness. But its not even if I can't have a good night I wish her a great one. Even better than great I hope she dreams of beautiful dreams tonight, ones that make her cry in happiness. I hope that some day she will be happy, and it would be nice if it were because of me. Heh this is kind of not only unlike me but defeating the point of this blog,, my deleting of little comments

So. . .
God I must hate that line right now, so what. . .
its what she responds with so often, and anything she does I tend to pick up after awhile, because when she hurts me I want to turn it on her, and when she makes me smile I want to turn it on her doubly as much. But I will never turn her smiles on her half of what she gives me, and the pain, I hope I don't, but I probalby am the cause of more pain than any person should have to endure in a lifetime and especially her.

I kind of wonder at times if I'm the antichrist, I know it doesn't make sense and I won't even try to explain mostly because I probalby stopped caring and I stopped being an open book, if you ask I guess I'll answer, but I'm tired of having everything I say be wrong, and all my thoughts bring harm, all my will cause problems, all my efforts creating more obstacles. I try I really do I really really really do.

I feel dried out and tired and I think I"m done. . . not sure with what, but hell will return in the morning so I guess I better hurry to it,
ohh and if you really wanted to know about my book the night desert guy who might be the titled the moon god, but probably not umm. . . only keeps a certain number of trained to discioples to guard the desert.

There now Swaedon come and find me.
Diedre I love you, you have no idea