emo: don't read till you get back
If you don't like emo then don't read this go away! Now!
Of my 4 characters I think most people would classify as Kelvin the nice guy always trying to help not caring what sacrifice of himself, and not really caring as long as things are better in a way afterwards not really very high in self esteem, which makes it easy for him to sacrifice lots of himself to help even the smallest bit for others.
Why are you still reading this you don't like emo stuff enjoy your last week in England then read this.
Then there's Swaedon the blog this was supposed to be named after, I'm not sure if more people would see him or Alex in me, Swaedon's cold calculating seemingly emotionless, but always analyzing things, he really could care less about most things including life, he's only alive because he still has that instinct to live and so he keeps on calculating how to it kind of fits my sciencey side and my lack almost any normal understanding of normal societal life, since I analyze everything. But I think few if anyone ever sees me so pessimistic as he is. then Alex the great manipulater I'm relatively sure no one thinks of me as manipulating situations, but more of just seeing tons of possibilities and a kind of different type of analyzing everything, I guess, but the type of stuff that makes you good at chess but i guess no one that reads this knows what I'm talking about. Then finally there's Oriam, who's basically the more naturalistic side he's got nearly a pure rage to him an outright hate a want to beat people into the ground for crimes, against him or whatever else, he'ld not only be for the death penalty but for tar feather revive and beat the stuffing out of you.
Diedre . . . what did I say, stop reading NOW
He'ld be the side that is out right now, which is definitely the rarest of all, and I'm picking the emotion . . . pissed off. I'm pissed at a lot of things but they all go back to one or two people depending on how you look at it and i guess it should all come back to me, but I"m really fucking tired of blaming me!! Really fucking tired! and maybe it is all my fault and maybe I'm the only one to fucking blame and maybe I'm just an awful person who just fucking die already. Oh wait I promised you I wouldn't fucking do that either.
So I had it figured out once every three calls you mentioned breaking up and that week I'ld be wiped out at work and it sucked or at least half the week because sometimes the next call fixed everything sometimes not. It really shouldn't be facebook that pisses me off it really shouldn't I think its rediculous that that retarded site (sorry I mean no offense to people of lower iq) is people's lines of what is fact in this world. As any one knows I hardly ever go on, but I do everyone once in awhile. I was stupid enough to check today, and I really like the bumper sticker she sent me. Here let me quote it for any one who happens not to be her (its my new desktop). (Verbatem caps and all)
sometimes you have to test someone (some type of faint dot maybe a period)
not because you Don't trust them,
but to see how much they'll sacrifice
for you (some type of faint dot maybe a period) and sometimes you have to
let them go not because you suddenly
stopped caring for them, but to see
if they care enough to come back (heart)
Now ahh its all cute and girly, except what part of that do you agree with, does all of that make you happy let me start off with the first line "test" your going to fucking test me, because I'm obviously in need of testing, lets see so were not testing me because I'm not trustworthy but because I'm not sacrificing enough. Ohhh thats right I'm not sacrificing enough. Ok since this is over the summer and since thats when I've gotten the most crap let me just talk about the fucking summer. Now I have no problem with you going to England I'm glad you went and this is not me giving you crap for going to England, but you see I wouldn't send this to you because one I don't want to test you I want to make life easy for you, two I don't want you to sacrifice any thing for me I"m willing to give everything for you. So I"m fine with you going to England and with out breaking a sweat worked the first half of the summer two jobs summer school no personal life, but I didn't need it because little old optimistic me was thinking hey all this money can go for Diedre and when she gets back man is this gonna be awesome I can spend time with her and oh my god this is gonna be the greatest two weeks ever when she gets back I can really wow her. But you need: Oh I need all the nights and oh I need this day and oh I need that first day I come back. I understand there's more than just me don't give any of that up have friends spend time with your family. Now there's not a lot to say I found the highest paying job I could and work nonstop hours that wouldn't be allowed at just one job. but then I'm told I'm not sacrificing enough I should be tested if I can sacrifice more.
See the issue isn't will i sacrifice enough its
do I have enough to sacrifice
and Diedre the answer is obviously no,
I don't have your money, I can't spend enough time with you, I can't be manly enough for you, I can't be romantic enough for you, I can't have the right family for you, I can't stop being emo for you, I can't keep my mouth closed when I chew for you, I can't love you enough?? although I'm not really sure any one can at that rate, I'm not Andrew enough for you, I"m just not enough in anyway, hell I should probably write you all this in an emo poem to you.
Yes I know i'm going to regret this blog, but god you've hurt me so many fucking times, and you just don't fucking seem to care, but if I even think to mention it, your response is to fucking break up at everything. Which pisses me off because I love you so fucking much even though you fucking hate me. I really really want this to work hell if you knew what I spent my last 2 nights doing you'ld probably be laughing at me. but no you don't get to know, no matter how much you fucking beg, or plead, thats it I've told you fucking everything and I just got disappointment I get it I suck I'm useless as a person, and obviously not good enough to make anyone as I can't even think of a word that describes you amazing perfect none of them seem grand enough as you anyways I'm obviously not worthy of being with you but I will try because I'm stupid enough to believe that if you just keep trying and working hard enough you may not be able to do anything, but you can achieve just one goal, and you are mine. I mean I would really like to finish my degree and I would really like to have a job where I could know I am saving the world and I would really like to volunteer on a regular basis, but I'm weak and I stoppped caring as much for others and i really just want to make you happy, but obviously i never will. I wish you would just kick me in the nuts though rather than just keep taunting me with this god damn break up, at least that pain would only last a little bit.
I should either be sleeping or doing hw, hell by this time I could just call you, and if you see this go ahead call me, I'll hear your voice and like the moron I am I'll instantly be ok with you, because I'm such a fucking fool that I can't be mad at you I can only be happy. Oh so back to why I'm not sleeping, so every night I keep wishing you were here and I always imagine your arm around me or mine around you but theres never any weight to it no substance and its such an empty feeling, but tonight every time I close my eyes I just feel you there and I can't get you to go away your like a witch just ripping me to shreads. So I can't get any sleep so that way I can get up early to get more work done, so i'm just gonna have to pull an all nighter and get it done that way, and I figured you wanted a post so here's your goddamn post i'm sorry I haven't had any time to waste on the internet I've been spending to much time wasting on work.
I hope I didn't ruin your last week in england, god its so fucking frustrating because its just another one of those things I'm incapable of doing right. I"m supposed to get angry and you wish I'ld get all emotional, but being emo is bad, and being this is worse.
Gahh and why are you still reading this. I told you not to
anyway I guess I need to get back to my paper, since I'm not getting any sleep tonight
ohh and talk to Tony today I delivered to him.
"as long as your happy.
I will be if you are."
I really will but a little appreciation goes a long way. I mean the one flowers and maybe the cards are the only things I can think of that I've done that were not complete failures, and I mean maybe they don't deserve appreciation, but then help me. Don't just drop me because I will do whatever you say, and if you tell me to stay I will because I'm not going to be that stalker again. If you tell me to follow you I will.
do not test me
I really do love you with all i have I'm just tired worn out and out of almost any self respect and i'ld like just a little from you
mwahh hope england goes well.
I hope you have tons of fun, and don't let me ruin anything for you.
I mean its just me, I'll always be here for you
You just have to let me know when I can be yours.
It's still a long time until i give up on you a very long time
mwahhh have a fantastic whatever part of the day this is
I love you more than anything in the world
but its never enough
PS by the way it was only the fist half of the summer without breaking a sweat because thats when you first mentioned breaking up and when it went to actually really easy to really difficult juggle thats kicking my ass.
character update: so i don't remember all I've told you but, to show everyone my great optimism of the world by the end of the first book (yes I'm dumb and started coming up with a 2nd way before I finish the first) the other innocent character Kelvin, who's in the main group dies, yay for optimism and all things great, anyhow I won't ruin to much but it does a great deal in creating a change in light of both the story line and the characters.
Of my 4 characters I think most people would classify as Kelvin the nice guy always trying to help not caring what sacrifice of himself, and not really caring as long as things are better in a way afterwards not really very high in self esteem, which makes it easy for him to sacrifice lots of himself to help even the smallest bit for others.
Why are you still reading this you don't like emo stuff enjoy your last week in England then read this.
Then there's Swaedon the blog this was supposed to be named after, I'm not sure if more people would see him or Alex in me, Swaedon's cold calculating seemingly emotionless, but always analyzing things, he really could care less about most things including life, he's only alive because he still has that instinct to live and so he keeps on calculating how to it kind of fits my sciencey side and my lack almost any normal understanding of normal societal life, since I analyze everything. But I think few if anyone ever sees me so pessimistic as he is. then Alex the great manipulater I'm relatively sure no one thinks of me as manipulating situations, but more of just seeing tons of possibilities and a kind of different type of analyzing everything, I guess, but the type of stuff that makes you good at chess but i guess no one that reads this knows what I'm talking about. Then finally there's Oriam, who's basically the more naturalistic side he's got nearly a pure rage to him an outright hate a want to beat people into the ground for crimes, against him or whatever else, he'ld not only be for the death penalty but for tar feather revive and beat the stuffing out of you.
Diedre . . . what did I say, stop reading NOW
He'ld be the side that is out right now, which is definitely the rarest of all, and I'm picking the emotion . . . pissed off. I'm pissed at a lot of things but they all go back to one or two people depending on how you look at it and i guess it should all come back to me, but I"m really fucking tired of blaming me!! Really fucking tired! and maybe it is all my fault and maybe I'm the only one to fucking blame and maybe I'm just an awful person who just fucking die already. Oh wait I promised you I wouldn't fucking do that either.
So I had it figured out once every three calls you mentioned breaking up and that week I'ld be wiped out at work and it sucked or at least half the week because sometimes the next call fixed everything sometimes not. It really shouldn't be facebook that pisses me off it really shouldn't I think its rediculous that that retarded site (sorry I mean no offense to people of lower iq) is people's lines of what is fact in this world. As any one knows I hardly ever go on, but I do everyone once in awhile. I was stupid enough to check today, and I really like the bumper sticker she sent me. Here let me quote it for any one who happens not to be her (its my new desktop). (Verbatem caps and all)
sometimes you have to test someone (some type of faint dot maybe a period)
not because you Don't trust them,
but to see how much they'll sacrifice
for you (some type of faint dot maybe a period) and sometimes you have to
let them go not because you suddenly
stopped caring for them, but to see
if they care enough to come back (heart)
Now ahh its all cute and girly, except what part of that do you agree with, does all of that make you happy let me start off with the first line "test" your going to fucking test me, because I'm obviously in need of testing, lets see so were not testing me because I'm not trustworthy but because I'm not sacrificing enough. Ohhh thats right I'm not sacrificing enough. Ok since this is over the summer and since thats when I've gotten the most crap let me just talk about the fucking summer. Now I have no problem with you going to England I'm glad you went and this is not me giving you crap for going to England, but you see I wouldn't send this to you because one I don't want to test you I want to make life easy for you, two I don't want you to sacrifice any thing for me I"m willing to give everything for you. So I"m fine with you going to England and with out breaking a sweat worked the first half of the summer two jobs summer school no personal life, but I didn't need it because little old optimistic me was thinking hey all this money can go for Diedre and when she gets back man is this gonna be awesome I can spend time with her and oh my god this is gonna be the greatest two weeks ever when she gets back I can really wow her. But you need: Oh I need all the nights and oh I need this day and oh I need that first day I come back. I understand there's more than just me don't give any of that up have friends spend time with your family. Now there's not a lot to say I found the highest paying job I could and work nonstop hours that wouldn't be allowed at just one job. but then I'm told I'm not sacrificing enough I should be tested if I can sacrifice more.
See the issue isn't will i sacrifice enough its
do I have enough to sacrifice
and Diedre the answer is obviously no,
I don't have your money, I can't spend enough time with you, I can't be manly enough for you, I can't be romantic enough for you, I can't have the right family for you, I can't stop being emo for you, I can't keep my mouth closed when I chew for you, I can't love you enough?? although I'm not really sure any one can at that rate, I'm not Andrew enough for you, I"m just not enough in anyway, hell I should probably write you all this in an emo poem to you.
Yes I know i'm going to regret this blog, but god you've hurt me so many fucking times, and you just don't fucking seem to care, but if I even think to mention it, your response is to fucking break up at everything. Which pisses me off because I love you so fucking much even though you fucking hate me. I really really want this to work hell if you knew what I spent my last 2 nights doing you'ld probably be laughing at me. but no you don't get to know, no matter how much you fucking beg, or plead, thats it I've told you fucking everything and I just got disappointment I get it I suck I'm useless as a person, and obviously not good enough to make anyone as I can't even think of a word that describes you amazing perfect none of them seem grand enough as you anyways I'm obviously not worthy of being with you but I will try because I'm stupid enough to believe that if you just keep trying and working hard enough you may not be able to do anything, but you can achieve just one goal, and you are mine. I mean I would really like to finish my degree and I would really like to have a job where I could know I am saving the world and I would really like to volunteer on a regular basis, but I'm weak and I stoppped caring as much for others and i really just want to make you happy, but obviously i never will. I wish you would just kick me in the nuts though rather than just keep taunting me with this god damn break up, at least that pain would only last a little bit.
I should either be sleeping or doing hw, hell by this time I could just call you, and if you see this go ahead call me, I'll hear your voice and like the moron I am I'll instantly be ok with you, because I'm such a fucking fool that I can't be mad at you I can only be happy. Oh so back to why I'm not sleeping, so every night I keep wishing you were here and I always imagine your arm around me or mine around you but theres never any weight to it no substance and its such an empty feeling, but tonight every time I close my eyes I just feel you there and I can't get you to go away your like a witch just ripping me to shreads. So I can't get any sleep so that way I can get up early to get more work done, so i'm just gonna have to pull an all nighter and get it done that way, and I figured you wanted a post so here's your goddamn post i'm sorry I haven't had any time to waste on the internet I've been spending to much time wasting on work.
I hope I didn't ruin your last week in england, god its so fucking frustrating because its just another one of those things I'm incapable of doing right. I"m supposed to get angry and you wish I'ld get all emotional, but being emo is bad, and being this is worse.
Gahh and why are you still reading this. I told you not to
anyway I guess I need to get back to my paper, since I'm not getting any sleep tonight
ohh and talk to Tony today I delivered to him.
"as long as your happy.
I will be if you are."
I really will but a little appreciation goes a long way. I mean the one flowers and maybe the cards are the only things I can think of that I've done that were not complete failures, and I mean maybe they don't deserve appreciation, but then help me. Don't just drop me because I will do whatever you say, and if you tell me to stay I will because I'm not going to be that stalker again. If you tell me to follow you I will.
do not test me
I really do love you with all i have I'm just tired worn out and out of almost any self respect and i'ld like just a little from you
mwahh hope england goes well.
I hope you have tons of fun, and don't let me ruin anything for you.
I mean its just me, I'll always be here for you
You just have to let me know when I can be yours.
It's still a long time until i give up on you a very long time
mwahhh have a fantastic whatever part of the day this is
I love you more than anything in the world
but its never enough
PS by the way it was only the fist half of the summer without breaking a sweat because thats when you first mentioned breaking up and when it went to actually really easy to really difficult juggle thats kicking my ass.
character update: so i don't remember all I've told you but, to show everyone my great optimism of the world by the end of the first book (yes I'm dumb and started coming up with a 2nd way before I finish the first) the other innocent character Kelvin, who's in the main group dies, yay for optimism and all things great, anyhow I won't ruin to much but it does a great deal in creating a change in light of both the story line and the characters.
posted by Scott | 11:48 AM
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