more hurt

Diedre you don't want to read this, I promise you. . . I could be wrong I hardly know what you think any more, but it seems like common sense.

first off look at the time of the post . . . yeah I'm up 1.5 hours of sleep before 10 hour work day . . . again. I guess thats what I get for actually getting 6 hours last night. So just for my records over the last 8 days I know how much sleep I got for 7 of them and it totals 22.5 hours, In a normal week I do get the normal 54 hours of sleep. Heh my days are pretty pathetic, starting from midnight, I stay up to 2-4:30 at which point I force myself to crash on a couch, usually downstairs. Then I wake up at 5:45 can't let that change because if i let myself get out of habit i'll start ignoring my work alarm. Then try to head back to sleep and usually by 8 have given up on getting any more sleep. Here's where it gets depressing. I then get online and open up Pidgin (my IM client), and see if Diedre's on, I wait at first unable to do anything but stare at it. Sometimes Chris or Char gets on and I talk to them, then by about 1, I start trying to do something read webcomics, play poker, something while waiting for Diedre to show up. Then at about 3-4 I eat some small snack for lunch. I go back up knowing she might get home soon, and I might be able to get more thoughts off my chest. Usually by this point I feel guilty for something I've said to Charlotte. At about 5-5:30 (someone brings home food) I eat about 4 to 5 more bites (literally) for dinner. I feel sick, head back upstairs and Diedre eventually gets on, she either is home for just an instant before having to many friends to bother with me or she has time, but keeps stopping to talk to her roomate, who isn't the most polite person in the world. Not that she needs to be polite but I'm sure she'ld understand if Diedre were to say 2 secs let me type one last message and say brb or kim or something to let me know she was vanishing, but she doesn't.

So I wait get upset, usually keep in control sometimes piss her off, the most recent one was quoting her from when I had kept her waiting in the past and she not realizing it quoted me almost exactly so I quoted her, she got pissed not even realizing I was quoting her (I think she didn't realize).

I find it funny that when I was little I said sorry a lot, I probably still do, but not nearly as much and not as a defensive mechanism when people are mad. But I got yelled at it, before that i had an excuse for everything, I got yelled at. My family I've never been spanked, but when you have my mom's voice you don't need corporal punishment. Diedre on the other hand, has stricter parents, they have her terrified of not listening to them, and yet she still has excuses for everything and says sorry all the fucking time. . . of course she didn't say sorry when we were dating because I took blame for everything (stupid philosophies of mine), but now its like really could you take responsibility for anything. I'm the one that believes in god damn calculated fate, and I take responsibility for anything I could halfway be sort of in any slight way blamed.

I guess not, why take responsibility when you can have 1000 excuses and never accomplish a task. I would try to help her, I would, as a friend, because it's a hard habit to get around, but she's so eager to push me away if I brought it up she'ld eat me alive. . . again.

I had more I did, . . . maybe it was about how stunned people seem, when I say she won't let me call her, or maybe it's the fact that I've now banned myself from emailing her beyond apologies, because emails seem to hurt her (even though after waiting all day when I feel blown off it was one way I could pretend I still got to talk to her), or maybe it was how I have no idea (this is a lie) why I am still in love with her, or why I fell in love with her in the first place (still a lie). She's asked me a couple of times why I loved her (not since wanting a break), and how do you answer that I always said because she's so amazing, but fuck it heres a list of fucking reasons when I'm not worried about offending, or trying to think on the spot, just writing what comes as I type
First off, you compliment my skills, personality, lifestyle amazingly,
Second off, you are fucking hot, out of this world gorgeous
3rd, you care about a lot of the right things
4th, You made me who I am
5th Your really fucking talented, your art is unbelievable (some of your glass stuff could be better, but its still impressive, and I still wish you would continue it) your knowledge of animals really surpasses mine, and I study them for a career, your outright smarter than me, and when you put your mind to it, you can do a lot more than I can.
6th Your willing to work with me
7th I can help you improve (there are few people my limited talent can actually help)
8th Your parents are a hoot (ok not a reason I love you just a reason your fun to be with)
9th You dislike people enough i can get alone time with you
10th Your honest
11th You want me to be honest
12th fuck its 5:30 . . . so I'm off to shower and shave for work.

By the way I've been falling apart literally my wrist has bled, my hand skin has shed so many layers, Sunday I was spitting blood, but who the fuck cares. Why the hell am I still talking
and fucking Diedre will read this and cry I guess at the top I need to add a Diedre don't read.

Done ohh and this post fits none of my characters, its just a pissed off love sick child, who wants things he knows he can't have, but mostly just respect from someone he loves, who keeps saying there are feelings and a type of love, but won't even trust him.

score: 80/100 or 95% (and dropping rapidly)
A dream

jealous statistic

so I don't think this post will be long.
For the longest time I knew the statistics hs relationships don't last. . . and are often abusive when they do. Long distance relationships fail almost always. . . for the fact most relationships fail most of the time, but those are extreme versions. It didn't matter to me though because I thought we were something special, I knew I wasn't average and had the most amazing girl in the world which kills statistics so it didn't matter. But thats probably been the story of my life, take my spot in line, and be a statistic, lose the girl, miss the application, work at the bottom of the chain. Just be another everyone. I'm jewish its how I follow the statistics by having some trait outside of it. It just hurts so much that I can't have my way on anything, but thats ok who gets their way, statistically not you.
So jealousy, there are other statistics out there I met one, his name is Paul. He's the otherside if I'm the smart scholar he's the hs diploma worker. If I'm careful, he's foolhardy. If I'm making sure nothing goes wrong, he messed up. The difference between us, he married his girl, gets more pay, more hours, and works at the same place as me. He's got like 3 or 4 years on me. Whats the difference he knocked his girl up, so is working to put her through med school got a shotgun marriage and he kept telling me he didn't regret it, in an obviously regretful way. But man I wish I was him right now, not sure I would live with myself, but I 'm living the alternative, the careful, intelligent choice, that gets me no where. So yes I'm jealous
of everything.

Ok so here's another thing, I realize Diedre is so much like David, it kind of creeped me out. Or at least the stuff I whine about other than his attachment to me. Has an answer for everything, something you can't deny, but a lot of times you don't really believe, in large part because sometimes the answers contradict each other and if you call them on it, they keep coming up with more excuses, it would be funny if it wasn't so depressing.

I think the one thing thats stabilizing me beyond the numbness, is a deciscion I made, one that will probably kill me. but one I think I made, I know how it will fail and how I will modify so as not to allow me to just drop it. It's the way I work create a goal thats a place for you to fall to where you want to be. The problem is this doesn't get me where I want to be, just stops me from repeating this.
The decision isn't to avoid Diedre, and its not to stop the next girl to do the same thing to me, if there is a next girl which I"m sure everyone else thinks there will be, statistics say there will be. but rather that if Diedre ever decides she wants me back. . . which she won't, then first there will be a very long talk. . . and I think she's not going to be allowed to say anything. . . so I guess a lecture because every time she opens her mouth another excuse stopping me, and its not more, I will have my way or she can keep missing me, because her way doesn't work. It makes her give up and me miserable. The talk will not be the ways hers were that mentioned problems and said fix them. . . which did exactly what you should expect they fix, but without lines, guides, or a way to check things they slowly slid back, if she wanted that to work it would have to be like making me eat with my mouth closed constant reminders until it became habit. No my way will find problems and then give answers that will be followed and if she doesn't like it she can come up with her own answer, but not till after I'm done. Those answers that sound like bullshit on here, are actually guaranteed to do one of two things paralyze the relationship to nothing or guarantee success, but I'm tired of letting her do what she wants, and then getting shit for it.
but I guess thats over, now I'll let her do what she wants, and hate myself for it, but she won't give me crap. I'll live with it the same way I live with Kristin's mistakes, and the next girl will hate Diedre like Diedre initially hated Kristin. The cycle continues nothing ever changes, its more like a spiral I change in response to events things change they seem better, but really what I don't realize is all I've done is extend the cycle outward, the same happiness, but more extreme, the same stages, but longer, and finally the same loss, but harder. Next time. . . if there is a next time. . . I wonder if it will also be on January 29th, and if Liz G will be someone I meet at an outing, or the new gf's friend, or an old family friend, its all the fucking same. Next time I'll be more cautious. . . .or more bold, but it won't matter it will just up the ante if I"m right and speed it up if I'm wrong.

a dream

Sooo. . . .characters
there are a few girls in my story, they are all side characters, at the moment. One is a great friend of Alexanders, possibly what Diedre and me hope to become, they do each other favors and yeahhh, she's a shopkeeper of a small leathery type place. The next girl is later in the story she's hardly human, shes more like a spirit of nature, and she was the 1st girl I made so I made her pretty much a super hero, she combines magic, physical brute strength, wit, and prayer, and takes on the 4 at once killing all of them (the main characters), she was designed not surprisingly shortly after Kristin broke up with me.
Finally theres Swaedon's girl she's from before the book begins, she's the reason. . . part of the reason Swaedon is Swaedon and not Kelvin (the nice guy).

SWAEDON BG: He was top of his class, he had a gift that made him magically talented, considered sort of wierd, he practiced these subtle tricks when raw power was valued, and he had more raw magic than most anyone. He was nice sweet good kid, loving gf, and a little bit nerdy. He'ld go out of his way for the few friends he had, somehow things go wrong, lots of betrayals and he ends up doing dirty jobs, that he believes have good ends for their dark means. His gf convinces him to take the money for this one assassin job, and he's never killed anyone he denies and fights with her forever, but is finally convinced, after over analyzing everything and deciding to go she begs him not to, he agrees turning down the money, but secretly plans to do it anyways since he was convinced it was a good for the world.
When he goes, he finds her in bed with him, and then another set of assassins goes and nearly kills leaves him marred for the rest of his life, she gets killed trying to save Swaedon's target who ends up get killed by the other assassins anyways. After that Swaedon takes a very dark turn gets betrayed by his family later, becomes a dark plague of a man, eventually destroying a whole city with a tsunami, and in the end fleas his time in an effort to start over, hating himself most, but not finding anyone talented enough to kill him, and killing every undeserving person he finds, which he assumes everyone is undeserving, but Kelvin over time through out the story really really rattles him.