everything? recovered? and sorry

heh, its funny . . . obsessions, my life, my failures, even my successes.
Yes this is back to that stream of concious sort of fuck trying to let people make sense of it, which is obnoxious when I go back to reading when I don't remember what I was thinking. Anyhow I figured I should update this. I figured after 2 months I should let Diedre know my terms of the break, not that it matters while I kept waiting for her to decide something and had my own suggestions, answers, preferences, she made me wait until we met back up. SO after waiting and waiting, she wanted me to give my side first, but because my side was so lenient I didn't want her to change her mind, so I let her go first. What pisses me off is she was like you sure, because her answer was just to break up. Why would she bother to have me come up with rules to give her, just to break up with me. It really sort of pissed me off, that she wanted me to do all that, acted like it was inevitable that there was no turning back, yet wanted me to keep pushing myself down a path I didn't like, for nothing. Actually it was just to make it hurt more, I know that wasn't her intention, but thats what the end result would have been. Any how my complicated rules, you want a break, well then "do whatever the fuck you want" if you want my preferences I can give you those but those are the limitations. I want an end date or condition, some form of contact every so often, and that you come back to me. Hell, while we were dating I was ok with her experimenting with fucking anything, she didn't really need a break for that, but I guess I didn't let her do anything, like (sensored for the public for slander avoidance(not sure why since this stuff is written on her facebook status updates)).
I am better now I guess, I've recovered? I don't like lines and I don't really like that attempted phrase. Recovered assumes things have a return to the way they were before, which they can't really do since that whole breaking up thing assumes its not going to be the way it was, unless your referring to 5 years back at which point I was a different person, with less confidence, more worried, and more believing some people were worth saving from their own stupidty. . . or rather others stupidity. But thats not really who I am now, so its hard to claim a return to that.
So I guess you could say I'm scarred, but thats bad too. Because that assumes a sort of wound and change, but what doesn't change you. . . really you woke up dismorning and didn't stub your toe, that makes you slight less paranoid about stubbing your toe, now your different than 3 minutes ago, some changes are larger more lifelong but where do you draw the line between whats scarring and whats normal.
There are a lot of things you could claim I am, but thats why I don't like definitive lines I would say things continue and they change, and I'm different now then I was, whether anyone realizes it, is there own issue.
The reason in the end I can't forgive her, is when she said she couldn't forgive me. Thats the one thing about me that has never changed, I am reflective and vengeful. I'm not sure I will ever forgive her for not letting me say goodbye.
The irony is my attempt to is when she said she could never forgive me, trust me, or that I could ever even be a real friend of hers. 5 years of honesty, giving all I had and ruined with one action once. . . for saying good bye.
But then again while I logic it that way, society disagrees with me, pretty much a unanimous everyone decides I was a little creepy, but she went overboard, but they're being nice to me so maybe she wasn't even overboard.

What the fuck society is that, that trust is ruined by saying good bye, and 5 years of complete suicidal honesty is meaningless. Like really doing everything and I'm tired of protecting her so I'll say my stupid blaming game. I did everything at the end that involved the schools I picked, the time I waited to pick them, the job I picked, my quality of life, my spending value, in the end that costed me graduate school, for at least another year, which I think I may have even subconciously wanted after I learned she was staying in Houston or San Antonio because she had changed her mind after I waited a year for her to make up her mind. See I had 2 goals in life, one improve the world for all life-->I decided the route to best do this for me was be an ecologist. 2)Make Diedre happy--> I put this ahead of everything, because I'm of the belief you can only do one thing in life with a guarantee.
But I messed up . . . you see I listened to her every word. That combined with my slow continuous movement made any big changes I made unnoticeable and had this belief that she knew what she wanted, but who really does.

SO after she tried to make my life recover to the way it was before I ever met her (this includes taking back all the friends, but one, that I had met while dating her)you might see why I'm angry . . . not quite the right word, maybe its just disappointed that the girl who didn't believe phrases that I said that may have sounded cliche' but I promise you they were more than that (of course I didn't really want her to know that they were real).

In the end in her break up that I shouldn't be upset about, she insulted my family and offended my friends. Yet apparently I'm the only one thats done anything wrong. Because yes you can always point blame, and yes I pretty much always take blame. I never except a sorry, because sorry. . . to me is a very baggage filled word.

Sorry:"When you say sorry it means it was an accident, and you will try your best to not let it happen again" but most people take it as I feel bad for you, and sometimes that it was my fault, but no one really takes it in my head the way I want it to be. They all say it as an emotional band aid. I don't want an emotional "I feel bad for you". I want a way out a way to fix things, but no one ever does no one ever takes responsibility and no one ever wants to really accomplish things.

Thats why I always take the blame, because if something can in a way be my fault I accept it, and figure out how I could have prevented it and work on it. Like I realize I could have made the relationship work, but I'm finally tired of dealing with all the shit and having it blamed on me continuously, when it wasn't just me. it wasn't even mostly me.
But whatever I'll never get my way ever, not in a society that i have an option of living in. So when everyone keeps saying oh you don't want to be alone and you'll find someone and I just say maybe.
Its not me not being confident; its me tired of people, me happy with me my thoughts and tired of people. The friend system is beautiful you don't fucking break up with friends. . . I mean some people do, you can have as many as you like, you can have varying levels, sometimes people name them, and they can fade in and out, and after awhile you can talk again. I wish all relationships were that way but no way in this society not that I'm personally a polygamist I'm to shy, but I don't see why its an issue. But no, there has to be a defined line of were dating, a defined line of were broken up and those lines seperate people from unseperable 1sts in each others life, to I can't bother to see you.
I mean fuck Diedre half the time claimed she was going to not be ______'s friend.

Oh well and for my story I'm thinking about naming an order after her(Diedre), no they're not villains, they are sort of good guys.

missdirection

so I guess I should go clarify those links first.
bleep=cunt
stimuli=a lot of different things, some of these involve how honest should I be, some of these how hard should I try, some of these what is ok to say to people, sorry I'm still kind of coding everything, but I'm out of people to trust, and those I can, can ask me individually, but not leaving this out for just those interested enough. I hate drama, I hate dishonesty, I hate hiding, but those seem things I can't avoid, so I'm starting to be more normal, and I'm lying, I'm hiding things, and I'm more willing to create drama. So whatever, next link
events= ok on this one not quite sure what I was going for I think it was just visiting friends, the Science Academy and being scared of Burks.
thoughts=Ok so this is the most difficult part, its a true rant it involves how I love persons, hate people, and severely dislike the word persons. It has to do with why I can't stand our society, it even has to do with a love of life. I could go into it. But really if you care to know talk to me, I really stop caring to post just for readers, I'ld rather just have people.

Ok so its 3:00 Matt should get up for bfast in an hour, yes that is PM. We got to sleep at 4 am, so he likes his sleep, its funny how dysfunctional he is, and yet how I so far prefer that to pretty much everyone else. I mean while I"m throwing out insults, its frustrating that when I'm with him I pretty much can't hang out with other friends, because hes gotten to the point where he thinks meeting people is pointless, he's so lost faith in humanity that he'ld rather not know any one. He has delusions of this dream Socialist steam punk paradise, which he knows is a delusion, and which half is more I think is questionable to both of us, not because of the lack of realism but because of the lack of people to do anything. Matt is more honorable than most, while he still lives at home, and hates what he's doing with his life, he really is loyal to those hes loyal to, he doesn't hide his distaste of people or things, he keeps his values, he cares more than most people, and oddly for people, even though he seems so disgusted with them. He's one of the few I think that sort of agrees with me, and yet hasn't been so brainwashed by society that he can actually do what he says. His real flaw the only one I really count against him despite all that i've said that counts against society but I really say because I refuse to give compliments without riddling people I respect with insults. His one flaw is the flaw that so many people have but he has it more, Diedre isn't immune from this either, but with her its more just sad that she will settle for mediocre, for Matt its not only sad for him but he might really do things, but my stupid philosophy of next to noninterpherence will stop me. Ok so attempt 3 Matt's flaw is seeing what he wants to do . . . and not doing anything, the answer to life, and the more I live it the more I believe it, is when you see something you want to do, just do it. Don't worry about consequences failure, or anything jsut do it. . . NOw if you really care. . . this is where problems occur, and why you can have one thing if you want it bad enough, but two is questionable. If you really care, then you may not go for something if it involves someone else, which is most everything, so then you have to decide do you go for just your one thing or your one person, or do you try to find some balance, and I'm tired of balance, because I balanced for a very long time and now I have nothing, except the things I threw off the balance . . .as ironic as that is. I make a terrible friend, and thats all I will ever be, maybe not true, but I have a hard time seeing life going any other path. I so much disgust in people and myself, and everything that to have a relationship that anyone requires to be sane I lack. Yet I know how small of a thing it would take for me to be in a relationship, its the thing I secretly crave most, its what caused me to mistakes, only one at the moment really seems like a mistake. I don't understand how 5 years means nothing. How all I can do is count it as loss, I guess I can count the friends I made through it. . . 2
Everyone else, I'm not allowed to talk to. . . I"m hardly allowed to think of. Diedre's score by the way is sort of dead she had 2 counts going let me figure out what they've been reduced to.
-20 and 60, still trying to be lenient, but finding it difficult to find reasons. but whatever her loss. . .the irony is the attitude is supposebly based on the score, which is this in my head ironic loop. OK, so Oriam has a boring face, and Swaedon's perfection isn't quite so perfect and he wears long robes, in part just to hide all his scars or to him symbols of failure and reminders of why to always be vigilant and careful about every detail.

HOLD YOUR HORSES

I'll get this post done eventually . . . I think, I'm tired and getting real work done now, I will call the wasted time resume skill building yay for beefing up my html skills and figuring out how to outsmart machines.