thoughts about questions

WARNING this might not be too coherant
so have you know those surveys that, girls always do and then put into their Xanga's so what would you ask if you made one . . . and driving home from Galveston today. . .I thought about that.
ok this is where coherany may stop
I realized most of what I might want to ask I wouldn't

then my mind started wandering more
and i went to other things

wondering about my future?
about a life?
if I would last 3 years, and not 2 years 5 months but 3 years 3ish months a little less
I don't think anyone knows what those times mean, and it's better that way, one one person knows, the other anyone can figure out.

you know I'm probably the only college kid that just goes home for spring break as Brandon's instructor said he didn't even think that was an option for him, what happenned to beaches and bathing suits, we should at least be at the new Schlitterbahn, and was like Brandon you should be chasing girls there and then i was like yeah then you come and fly here, cuz there right next door to each other. Then go back and tell them you fly here, and he was like yeah just tell them it's your plane they'll be like I don't believe you but he did this funny girly voice
then Brandon be like here I"ll show you go get the key and get on in, and if they ask me I'll be like yeah its your plane, and they'll be like oh your so cool
The guy owns like 3 planes. I've been in the biggest one (fits 4 people)
huh I miss everyone, and wonder if I'll tear myself to shreds or be happy as can be
it's frustrating how pathetically . . . pathetic I am
I mean my life is a fr . . . ing dream. and yet I am still full of complaint after complaint after complaint
I have every gift someone could ask for, and I still whine and don't think I'm gonna get very far.
OK
to end I hate missing people, please just keep in touch, I know I'm lousy at it, and not fair to ask ya'll to do it when I won't but please
ok my whining complaing and begging is done my dignity is the same as it has always been, and my characters umm. . . can't fly
ok sorry about that last bit it's a bit cheap but I don't feel like writing on them

dead champion

This time I feel like starting with my character:
He was introduced in the last post (I think)the dead champion. Kahrenn the incredibly loyal talented young man who did all he could even when betrayed. The champion of . . . what is good and what is innocent, what is right, and how things should be. yet I kill him in the first scene of the book. One of the two honest good hearted characters in the book, I kill off and the only one left is a pacifist.
Kahrenn tries so incredibly hard, in the face of the impossible and fails once and ends up dead,
and useless to continue his struggle. useless helpless to far from the living to far from those who matter to do anything.

yeah you can probably see links between me and him don't try to hard, because I fade back and forth between story and me.


Ok so there have been a thousand thoughts in my head; and as I type this they fade
and saying your tired is a wonderful excuse
especially when it looks like you haven't slept in three days or so I thought I looked, except that I had slept pretty decently
and. . .
ahh I think i've heard more stuff that seems so . . . .so. . . . so just absurd these last few days it just blows my mind
I mean some of the stuff said you would have an easier time convincing me Diedre was a man, then having me believe it
and then Matt hehe apparently remembered Diedre and after his embarassing rant on her hotness, he said next time he opens his mouth if someone would just punch him, right then and there and stop any further embarassment I just laughed and Susy, Susy was hinting me to tell him to stop. It was probably my happiest moment of the day only because of the irony of it all.
Ahh head's starting to hurt again ok so I'm done. ehh I'll give ya'll an evil quote of the post since this is my "hidden secretive evil blog" hehe it's pretty mean actually, and requires a bit of an explanation on where I found it to why I even have it but for now I'll just leave it as an attack on everyone cuz right now I could care less.

Anonymous writes:
I recently deconverted from Christianity, about a year ago. I had to do it for my own sanity. I was tired of being in a religion that promoted hate and violence more than love and peace. I was tired of being in a religion where the main deity supposedly tortured billions of people for all of eternity just for not following that religion. I was tired of hating myself because I wasn't good enough for anyone or god.

I have higher self-esteem now as a result of my deconversion than I did my whole life up til now. I have reconciled my personal beliefs (no prejudice, no hate, peace, etc.) with my spiritual ones.

If there is a god, it wouldn't demand that we worship it and torture us if we didn't. If there's not, then it doesn't matter.

Christianity is a myth and a cult that needs to be exposed for what it is. So many have been brainwashed into it. I hope that someday, we will have an age of reason where people don't take 2,000 year-old books literally and twist them to be an excuse for hatred and violence.

and for a happier note:
If you don't like where your life is going, no matter what your situation is, there is always a way out. Its not religion, its not suicide, it's not being suckered in by the traditional notions of jobs and responsibilities, or family....it's being secure in the knowledge that no matter what happens, you can always react to the situation with a cool head, because YOU are the only one in control of yourself. Nothing else has any power over you, and you have the ability to alter any situation. Charge ahead and make your difference, whatever it is. Things will be okay, I promise. I've been there, and I have seen it all, from the basest most vile things in society, to the things that will make you weep with joy. You're the one in control of your life. Thats all. =)

spiral

spirals are actually rather neat, like if you've ever spun a spinning top with a spiral on it. . . it's like whee you could. . . or well actually probably on me, but I could sit there and watch it for hours. Why do I bring this up, actually I haven't seen a top been spun in a long time hmm . . . I think I need to go get me one, and dreidels don't have spirals :'(
Anyhow why this actually got brought up is reading any survey in someone's blog I'ld be all secretive about it and like hint hint, but she doesn't read my blog so no fun, but anyhow, with hopefully a little less on the sidetrackedness umm. . .
on the survery there was a question is your life ascending or spiraling. and well as normal my answers can never be normal, but part of the problem is those words might be opposites but there meanings are definately not opposties like kosher and traife hehe (traif means not kosher, but the literal defintions of the two are kosher:clean; traife:torn)
ok so anyways closer to on track umm . . .
my answer is my life is definately spiraling, but not necessarily in a downward direction. And it's not really a circular spiral either it's definately an elliptical spiral, now as any one who's actually in a spiral it's very hard to tell if your going inward or outward, and yes I am throughly confused as to which I am doing (and slightly confused how to use that metaphorically). But it is definately not a regular circle or ellipse because I am getting somewhere even if it seems like its circling. So I am quite sure a spiral is a good description.
Now the question maybe why elliptical?
Well in a regular spiral the path is more or less even and no places that seem stragiht.
I definately have my almost straight sides where I get washed with where the current takes me feeling like I'm going somewhere whether I want to or not whether it's in the right direction ,the wrong one, or some random off direction. But at times, the direction disappears as suddenly I get whipped around the turn of the spiral, and hold on for dear life, with not room to spare no time for anything but getting life done, this is how the majority of your life should probably be spent truly living no time to be pessimistic or worrisome or really waste time because your stuck in movement on no straight path just trying to get around everything going on, and then, it calms down again having left me on a new path. Once again I am back on the almost straight path of my elliptical spiral right now I am nearing the end of that turn and the only reason I have time for this post is I"m stuck at work and can't do anything else.
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see that wasn't even sad, but ok umm. . . .now for my story characters info
well the book begins with Oriam killing some paladin who's sent to kill him, and if the book ever gets written and I get to a sequel in the beginning that paladin is resurrected by a demon who thoroughly confuses him by explaining what really went on, and so he decides to temproarily leave his gods, and follow the demon. He has temporarily been named Kahrenn, that probably will change.
ps if you have any good names for either him or just names you like tell me, leave a comment, email me whatever, and I'ld love to try and use it.