headache

my head hurts,
I dont want to be alone I don't talk to anyone either
should I worry
what if i. . .
I could have ruined a life
why can't i talk to anyone
why. . . ahh
its more like a great confusion
i stole jessi's girl
i stole jessi's girl twice
ahhhh
i'm sorry
does an one understand any of my recent posts
it's not that I don't want to admit to going to a counselor, I mean I'm the one that refused to call our family psychiatrist a counselor or the doctor, because I thought it was rediculous to hide behind it's just ahhh I don't know.

well im not gonna tell you that people dont lie and steal
but i dont think most people would in most circumstances, and I think everyone would in some circumstances

huh i miss everyone even those right here, be here with me say somthing pleassseee I don't want to be alone with me.
[eople are great no people suck persons are great, no persons suck, my friends are great, how with so many morons assholes losers ignoramuses and everything else did I get yall. All of you are my heros.
I am no hero
YOU ARE

I think Oriam's mind operates somthing like this, lines confusions arguments lack of organization this is not here as a point for my book but more my thought organization and laziness because my headache refuses to let me organize further.

A LIFE 5/20/06

OK so my mind is a little more shaken than normal. I started my first day of lifeguarding for the City pool and the first hour I sat around talking and getting my stuff applying sun tan lotion, then I got up on stand I looked at my watch it's probably been 2 min, yay it's been 3 out of 20 I'm doing good just keep scanning don't get bored. After this I have to be vague and can't say much I've already screwed up confidentiality once. I've told some details to a few people I trust and my head is shaking the lifeguards are all nice and have kept me from freaking out. How do you just tell someone that though.


for those of you who don't know

I'm now 1 for 2

I saved someone!!
the only thing I technically did wrong was the way I jumped in which I could care less about.

If anyone cares my mistake was a few years ago end of the summer a little girl ran on a diving board slipped and got her foot caught in the rail on the diving board an inch taller and she would have cracked her head on the cement I yelled at my manager who was equal distance from me and didn't get off cuz I'ld have to clear the pool and attract all types of attention, so I let her do it the supervisor who was talking to her but facing the opposite direction just seemed to keep talking even after she left, and seemed to take 5 min to notice anything, anyhow technically I should have cleared the pool and gotten off stand to get her.

I really really want to say everything i really want to spill the details I hate being bottled up I want to yell out what I think I was wrong that everyone tells me I did right, but there's no one I can tell anything cuz it's either confidential and those people don't need to know so I can't tell them, or it's the high official people who I can't tell for legal reasons, otherwise I get screwed if anything happens, and I can't tell anyone else cuz there's always someone around and you can't let a patron know you did anything wrong ever, even if it's dealing with a paper cut wrong cuz of frickin publicity.

I learned don't trust . . . .ahhh I can't say anything

if you want to know ask, please, because I have to be very careful who hears this, but I really do want to get it off my chest, and if I don't tell you don't be offended, and I may say no and then later tell you,

I think I "m fine and for the most part I feel normal but then I get small little short moments where I just kind of I don't know.


Ok the great player of life and dealer of water is Swaedon I know my book facts are sucking it up, but once I find time and start writing again it should start getting better again.

some quotes:
"Don't not believe in god because of religion" to me from the only guy I know who who. . . is Rodrigo.
"This was a success story" Amy (pool manager) repeating what the Firemen said over and over.
"A man is led the way he wishes to follow."
- Huna, Talmud: Makkot, 10b
I have no particular taste for post-mortem immortality. I am immortal now, while I am gloriously alive.

- Rabbi Joel Blau, "My Uncertain God," 1924

me

at times I really hate me

Ferrari's band

Hey it's me, crashing kind of rapdily, and at the moment . . .really I think sickened is the best word. Right now I'm really sickened, a few moments ago there was a huge urge to yell certain profanity's but now i could care less. I hate putting myself in holes, and I hate being an ass. and I hate and hate and hate, and my rambling continues, bleh dee bleh dee bleh, and no one cares. You know whats really funny is that tomorrow is my bday and I'm gonna be giving myself a run for all time low of the year. Man I'm really good at this Valentines Day the first time I"ve had a gf and I'm in tears, my bday I"m depressed, and Passover, hell I probably felt like a slave, no not really I did get to go home, and this school can be so wonderful at times, but at othertimes it's just a fu'''ing school. IT's just like every other money making institution in the world operating on supply and demand, using beauocratic rules to guide itself, and caring nothing about the people, especially those it runs over.
In band were allowed a skip day were allowed to be late twice (each semester) with out any effects, and I may have been late once, all year, and have never ever skipped a day with out religious reasons, even when I felt sick. and yet I"m the one whose going to fail the damn class.
ok I"m calmer, kind of, and feel myself freezing over.
These next two weeks are going to be so much fun, kind of like, umm a piece of pie or hell, or somthing like that
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I seriously wanted to just jump out in front of the truck walking here.
and nothing against Bonnie, but she starts talking to me as I leave the band hall and I"m trying my hardest to keep my voice steady, and keep words decent which i struggle enough with when I"m fine.
My life should be all yay and so sad seniors are graduating, but right now huh I can't figure out how I'm going to fail band and keep my head on, or
how to do anything else and keep my head on.
and no I"m not failing cuz I suck or missed turning in, or passing off anything, if you care. I"m failing because I can't be on campus for this concert that's after school's over, after I"m required to have checked out of my room, during the graduation for seniors, which in my theory all grades should be in then if the seniors are graduating. But no I still have the one grade a 3 weeks after the final, that will automatically fail me.
and I could show up I could drive 4 hours from Houston to make it play and come back 4 hours, but not only is that 40 dollars in gas, it's also at a time that I can't really miss.
and now i'm back to just wanting to yell profanity's but I"m at work and starving cuz Ferrari kept us late so I didn't even have time to go run to my room and grab an orange.

Yay I love starving and failing and being pissed, and still showing up more than half the band, who will all get Fing A's

Huh
I wish I could cry.
Right now I'm somwhere between Swaedon, Oriom, really leaning on Oriam or maybe just Oriam, just not so extreme as he would be.
OK so right now life sucks my GPA is about to be destroyed by an easy A, and I should just lie and say it's a religious thing, but no I'm to F'ing honest to lie either.
Huh ok this ios meant to be over and done multiple times now
sp F*^$ one last time
and hopefully no one reads this for awhile
I love you all and thank you Diedre . . .for caring ??? i guess
and Amanda for . . . well just being a friend, excpet you'll never read this.
and if anyone else ever reads this you could tell me but either you won't read it or as always you won't admit to reading it.
but most likely the first because nobody really cares, that much
except Diedre and her . . .I don't even know I give upfjlksfdljksfijw4 9wetjoiesnlera

Rules of the Scott

Ok so just a heads up I'm not sure what's going in here and umm. . . this may end up being another shot at me and those I hold close, so if this offends you, well it means I care, but please don't take offense.
1) Scott will have friends
Ok now this isn't cuz I'm popular or that my friends are awesome and are always there for me (they are, thats just not what I mean here) it's rather that no matter where I go I will either take friends with me or I will make them, and there will never be a ton of them, but somehow, whether by luck, or just who I am, I will always find a special few people, who become true friends.
2) Scott's friends will not be normal
(these are more tendencies than rules)
a) Scott's friends will not be the popular kids
(only exception=Brian)
b) Scott's friends will not be leaders of groups, organizations, etc.)
(exceptions=Diedre, Amanda (APO), and kind of Rigo)
c) Scott's friends will not be closed minded morons
they all have some sort of open mindedness even Kevin, and none of them are dumb they all get things that some people just don't get
d) Scott's friends either (hate people and love life) and/or (love helping people)
The first thing means you really don't like people and not that you love living but that you love animals or the idea of life or somthing of the sort.
e) Scott's friends like band/have been in band
this is one of those band side effects (Exceptions=Diedre, kind of Rigo, (maybe kind of John Brown) you would think with somthing so specific there would be more; Diedre's dad was tuba so it's ok)
f) Scott's friends are good people. . . at heart
There's really somthing special about most of them that really make them . . . pretty important, and none of them are cruel.
g) Scott's friends once held for over a month will only leave when moving is involved
3)Scott will have everything go wrong till, nothing else can go wrong with out life ruining effects, at which point things will suddnely go right
Known as the luck of Scott
4) Scott will be unable to help with any problems no matter how well he knows the subject, how comforting as an individual no matter what type of problem and no matter how badly he wants to be helpful.
The only way he may help is if he says somthing of does somthing of no use or correctness at all that somehow leads someone to the right idea, usually instantaneously
5) Languages will never truly make sense to Scott
aka he will never be good at any language and will be plagued with thousands of typoes on both computers and hand written assignments even in the language of numbers, no mater how many times it is edited there will still be several blatant missed errors.
6) Scott does not know how to get there even if he's been there a thousand times
exceptions= Diedre's house (warning 999 times is not enough) ps Winding Way and Winding are two very different streets (and may cause hour and a half delays)
7) Scott will never had the word he needs no matter how simple it may be
Scott may come up with a word if he has no use for it or if he was not asked for it and someone else can't think of the right word.
8) Scott will overanalyze everything, then make a deciscion that has nothing to do with the analysis and often contradicting what the over analyzing bade him do.
9) Scott will never understand why anyone would want to hang around him
10) Scott will never have a conversation on the phone with anyone
(exceptions Rigo and Diedre)
11) Scott will forget whatever he thought was great especially if it was supposed to finish somthing
example this rule, was supposed to be somthing else
------------------------------------------------------------
12) Anytime Scott gets confident about anything his confidence will be shattered almost immediately afterwards (5/1/06 8:00 this is later)
Exception=Diedre
These may be updated, corrected, modified, edited or added to later, although knowing me none of that will be done.
Well everyone have a wonderful day

ok so now for stuff about my book, umm. . . it hasn't been worked on in awhile and i should start on that again, and it needs more female characters, and. . . Oriam is really well liked as a character but the side of me he's supposed to represent I almost hate . . . which is rather ironic, I know thats a pathetic attempt for stuff on my book but I"m at a loss for now.
with plenty of love to all one of who read this. I thank you for caring.
and if you leave a comment to be like hey I"m reading or hey I liked that or that was dumb, that would be so awesome.