BROKEN SINGLE

FUCK
Its over I blew it, its all her fault its all mine
So thats it one quarter of my life blown to hell, because I can do the one thing I thought I could do well. Apparently I have no skills I can't keep Diedre happy, so she's leaving me. I guess I had my warning but I suck at life. I have no future, and I guess I don't really have much of a past, I mean look at this fucking blog its what I Made so I could look back and remember what I am, but its not much of anything to be worth me.

If anyone disagrees prove me fucking wrong. I doubt you do it reasonably.
The reason I"m writing this post isn't really because I"m pissed and angry which I am. The reason I"m writing this is because I"M scared to lie down again, because everytime I do every muscle in body tightens to th epoint that I can't really breath. I hurt so bad, and I feel like I"m doing situps, but I haven't done anything but try to go to sleep, every part of me hurts and I"m so exhausted.
I want to be done, but I don't know what to do. I wish suicide were a real opition, because I"m tired of being a fuck up. Since thats all I seem to be. I could ask people to post a comment just to see if anyone actualy cares to see what I type here, but I know better, no one will because I"m not worth shit.

Maybe now someone feeling bad for me will leave so feel better Scott note, but this concious pain I don't mind if it stayed forever, as long as I could have my nights, than I could just be emo. Rather than fear I won't wake up if I try to go to sleep nor will it be quietly down I go, but rather a painful tightening and squirming that I fear so much.

I"m like the dog that got electrocuted peeing on some guys car, and then avoided his house ever after, only I cna't really avoid sleep forever on.

ok i guess im going to try again

and this might be my last good bye

I'm really terrified like ive never been before and theres no one here
mo one because i gave everything up for her, , , maybe even life we'll see to morrow

winter

Apparently the winter is not my time for relationships, for some reason most my relationship issues are during the winter. Most notably in chronological order loss of Kristin and Diedre's break. This was gonna be called facebook because I'm so tired of facebook owning people's lives. It's almost as bad as WOW. Apparently if it says it on facebook its true, so I'm apparently not even Diedre's friend any more. OK "well it doesn't mean much [or anything, I can't remember which she said]. If it didn't mean anything you wouldn't have taken the time to unfriend me and all my friends, no it meant something to you. Yes, it is juvenile, yes it is pathetic, yes this post is also, yes its frustrating. Yes you do seem to be digging youself a bigger hole, and yes you should stop lying, of course I'm not even sure if you know how much your lying, maybe you think your being honest with me and thats the scariest part.
You don't know what your doing: Apparently I sent that last night, I remember sending a text and being pissed off, but if you want to know what it means here you go:
1st it has more than just one meaning:
1: You really have no idea what you are doing with this break, your wasting your time and my time.
2: You have no idea what your doing in life, this one was probably more me just being angry than true
3: You have no idea what your doing to me on 2 levels,
a) you underestimate what hell your putting me through
b) if you wanted a different me your making one, because your never getting the old me back
4: You are digging yourself in a larger and larger whole every time I talk to you e.g.
When you called me about Kayla in your offended fury, (cuz no one has any right judge you ever) I understood where you came from, thought it was funny you cared enough to unfriend me, only wanted to stab myself in the leg, which was good because that's the worst I wanted to do after talking to you (the best so far). But then I had 3 people have to whine about you to me, only one of which I even wanted to know you wanted a break but you made that readily obvious when you unfriended me, and them. They were mad at Kayla for messaging you, but really I can't say your any better.

I should be getting work done, I shouldn't be writing this, but I'm really getting sick and tired of your shit, I did everything you asked, I mean name one thing I wasn't working on or doing Sunday when you gave me your little your not good enough speech. You're right I'm probably not, but I doubt there's much of anyone that'll fare better.
Oh right there was one thing I didn't do I was still the same guy from hs, so I guess it turns out you weren't really in love with me but with someone you wanted me to be, cuz obviously me isn't good enough, I think thats one thing you've said enough times. If I'm wrong prove me wrong, tell me I'm wrong, explain this concept that I don't quite understand. Did I make you feel bad, did you even read this, ohhhh I'm sorry, I care to much for you, wait wait, thats the problem, crap, I can't get past saying I love you, I can't get past a fear of harming you, I can't get past the fear of losing you, well I guess you fixed that. I'm not allowed to say I love you, You manage to hurt yourself because I wasn't good enough, and for losing you, what do I even have left of you.
A girl who ignores me, until she feels confident in lying to me again. I can't really figure why you call me when you do, you ignore all of my calls, avoid aim when I"m on, not sure if its on purpose or not, and then call me to tell me hey I'm hanging out with friends again, so don't call me although again we won't do something cuz it cost money.
Whats funny is awhile ago when I went to go up I was going to force you to take money to have fun with or eat with, and not doing anything else, so you could do something with your friends you always think is to expensive, yeah well I wasn't allowed to go up and visit you why cuz you had hw and by hw you meant you had friends, that you wanted to do stuff with but wait didn't have money for so did nothing but hang out with them, which I'm not even allowed to do with you any more.

When you said break I really thought we really would still be friends about it, and I would be just an ordinary friend till you got your head straight, or you made me feel bad enough or figured something out, but Mark has about the same privlidges I do, then again you compare me to him anyways, so I shouldn't be surprised.

You want a new me, you've got it:
I guess last quotes from an old me:
"I should've been down when you made me insecure
So break me down if it makes you feel right
And hate me now if it keeps you alright
You can break me down if it takes all your might
'cause I'm so much more than meets the eye
i'm the one you can never trust
'cause wounds are ways to reveal us
And yeah i could have tried and devoted my life to both of us
But what a waste of my time when the world we have is yours"

In case your still lost yes, that means now I'm doing things my way, unless you figure it out real quick, but what is there to figure out. Your awesome, I'm shit (until i get self respect), and you were nice to give the charity boy a soft let down, taking it in two steps. Thanks, for caring. I guess you'll cry and whine about this probably not to me, because why would you want to talk to me. Like always you'll go to your friends do stuff with them that you wouldn't let me do with you blame me for not letting you do that stuff, and then somehow make it my fault because its always my fault.

PS sorry no characters this was initially going to be the other blog, but I decided this wasn't everybody material

apart

Today wasn't my brightest day, but it was certainly ironic. I had the answers to some of the most minor of Diedre's problems. I used her friend to stay sane. My deal became a favor. My fun job became hell, . So I guess I'll talk about my work day or maybe not, but I can't sleep even though I should. I wonder who still reads this but I doubt any one would admit to it. At work I burned myself, I . . .really just intended it to go one way and it went differently, I almost missed Diedre's call, because I'm not supposed to have my phone on at work. And her voice on the phone, almost always seems happier for the first half instant. I'ld say its like I'm making her miserable, but I guess I know I am. For the longest time I cared for nothing, but her, but that wasn't good enough cuz I didn't care for myself. Theres a lot to that, that I won't go into unless asked, and it will sound backwards and in circles, but its not that simple. So now I'm calling her because I want to just hear her voice, know that she's ok, although even as I say that, I am almost certain she won't call me tonight. It's so hard not to just tell her I love her.

I'll keep it shorter tonight so now for quotes, and friends give me a heads up I have time, I mean my whole life has just lost its purpose between my loss of grad school and Diedre, thats pretty much all I had in my future. I don't vollunteer here, so all I have is friends, so give me something.

"Character is what you have left when you've lost everything you can lose".

-- Evan Esar

Dare to be yourself.
-- Andre Gide
It is inaccurate to say that I hate everything. I am strongly in favor of common sense, common honesty, and common decency. This makes me forever ineligible for public office.
-- H. L. Mencken
When you put your arms around me
I haven't been there for the longest time
And I could be wrong
Maybe I've been hoping too hard
But I've gone this far
And it's more than I hoped for

Who knows how much further we'll go on
Maybe I'll be sorry when you're gone
I'll take my chances
I don't care what consequence it brings
I have been a fool for lesser things
I want you so bad
I think you ought to know that
I intend to hold you for the longest time- Billy Joel

empty and angry

So expect this post to lack any substance, with a title like that.
and remember I don't even try to make this one coherent, this is my thoughts, and if you are .. . for whatever interested in them, then you can just deal with my thoughts as they are.
Kelvin may get put away, I'm not sure I can, but he's taken enough abuse lately. Nobody seems to really like him, they just all wish every asshole in their life was like him, and that of course life would be better, but Kelvin himself isn't worth . . . I'ld say much, but anything is more like it. I need confidence, I need to be suave like Alexanders, and I should it would be nice. But while thats the personality I designed from me, its not something I can do around people I currently know for two reasons. One is a self doubt thing, its fairly Swaedon like, it so destructive that it paralyzes me, and makes me always worry and makes sure I can't stand with confidence.
But I do have a less skilled way to fake it, although rather than needing time and thought to make work like Alexanders, it requires the opposite, it requires high levels of frustration, stress, anger,
being cornered, if this sounds like adrenaline or animal like characteristics its probably not a bad bet, hes the nature element of the group, and has as much sense, and while inwardly he has no confidence in himself he still believes hes superior to those around him, as opposed to Kelvins belief everyone is more valuable which spurs on his friendly nature, Oriam is outwardly a beast that doesn't back down, hes led by fury.
Kelvin might be getting reduced but in his place is Oriam, which I'm fairly confident most people wouldn't believe is a personality of mine. Although I"m still such a control freak I'm afraid to trust him to help me out. With one word though I'm about to explode and I doubt most people could say a word that would set me off, but she could. She definitely could.
I'm really curious what happens when I try to be confident and let him rush out, and I c her, because she nullifies everything Oriam feeds on, she makes me feel safe, maybe weak, and not good enough, but never scared, except of losing her.
So who's still reading. . . I guess somewhere in here I should give an explanation of the post.
how about this and this is a little old say from Sunday 10:45PM.
Here's the cause of this post:
2599830
Now if that has meaning to you, your good. Of course the people that would read this probably will get it. although they might wonder why my math seems a bit off, but its not.
So that number represents something important to me, and the fact that it can be written down rather than needing a counter, hurts me. Ok, so I'm broken my life is in pieces, my future is slashed, and I'm trying to piece it together, my confidence is . . . well missing and in its place is a fiery anger regularly swapping with an emptiness, that leaves me next to paralyzed. I just kind of hide it and pretend I'm fine, which I've oddly gotten better at, since the last time where I remember having to spend most my time in my room.
Well ok I guess I'll sign off now.

"hold you for the longest time"
"You're my home"
and. . . "its sad and its sweet when I worry" "I believe this is killing me" "a drink they call lonliness, but its better than drinking alone"

and a donny darko happiness
"daily races, going nowhere" "no expression" "drown(d) my sorrow" "look right through me"
"the dreams in which i'm dying are the best i've ever had"