umm. . .

umm. . . umm. . . . umm. . . . . . . . . . .ummmmmmmmm. . . . . . . . yea all smiley and happy like. . . umm. . . well on a sidenote, I have to clean house for Kallah and scholarships are a pain, and ummm. . . ummmm . . . ummm. . . . ummm. . .. . . . .well on another half sidenote has anyone ever done somthing ever guided on pretty much one overheard comment, common sence, and a movie. Ok yea thats about it.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
O and by the way this is me more lost than normal (this is not a thought in my head the above are)

Easter/Scholarships

It's been forever since I've had time to get back to here, whats kind of funny is that last time for like half this time well of not posting at all Kristin was like you need to post, but she hasn't posted in forever, mwhahah so now I can yell at you to post. Ok, so now umm. . .
Yea I'll do easter first I didn't really do anything for easter umm. . .I ate a Cadburry egg (not sure how to spell that) but I didn't even do anything really for Purim being that I slept through the carnival all sadness, and I hate money it's stupid and driving me nuts, dang college costs to much among other things. My mom's quitting again go figure who would have guesses, maybe a little faster than expected though, my dads frustrated becuase he's like she should make her own resume, and she's yelling at me to get this scholarship and that one, so if I get behind on posting for awhile or just don't get online thats probably why? whoa that rhymes I'm a poet and I don't even know it.
Alright yea woo going to the zoo, umm. . .yea scholarships are a pain I hate them well actually I hate not having them and needing them, I love to recieve them, did I already mention that I almost won one cuz of my eagle but didnt' get it cuz I live in Fwood as opposed to Creek.

rambling, complaints, and who knows

Hey deeg uh deeg hmm. . .that one's weird
had I done this earlier it may have been 10 pages worth of complaints but now I've forgotten most of them. I'm weird yay. tired hmm. . .exhausted, and don't really feel like bashing people, but its thoughts that kind of will bash people on my mind, so umm. . .yea the warning of the page desc. may apply here. Not sure, hmm if Kristin were to be on again she'ld probably make me sad enough to write it all out, but now I"m all calm again, and in my normal don't want anyone to feel bad self. That was mean though blaming us for the band stuff I mean she was sick and all but we hadn't practiced since evening of ensembles and no blame on Daniel, but I mean even he had given was tired by then, John finally I think got to us all. Ok lets not place blame on him, as fun as that may be. Shovel it all on to me I don't mind, wishing that were true. That was real intelligent use band as a decoy, for what may be more of a bother. Hmm. . .I wonder what people reading this will think. should I write specific people nahh I think . . .ehh dah dah.
You know I got to the point where I have Kristin out of my mind when I don't see her, for the most part. Yet seeing her causes me guilt, and hearing her on IM makes me twinge. And just yesterday I would have said everything was fine.
Stuck between forgetting everything, and just going on probably good for me and everyone else, or holding on to memories, that won't be nice. Ok enough screwing things up for now, as Mark Twain once said better to be silent and seem like a fool then open your mouth and remove all doubt and I've already with this if not started trouble in 1000 places I've at least planted seeds for problems later. Yay me, so tired and not caring I wonder if I"ll actually post this. I don't really care I think I will though. O screw it Kristin you want to know why I never seemed happy when we were going out, and I do now because you were always miserable or sad about somthing another, and you were everything to me I couldn't be happy while you were sad, I didn't mind being sad, miserable or whatever else if I could be with you, but I guess yea that was a pointless hope and attitude. I don't know if love was a good word for it or now because it was probably closer to obsessed, and ok stopping here that should definately be enough problems by now no more are needed. Plus maybe I shouldn't be that open of a book some people don't like to read . . . hmm how would you make that metaphor work o well.
So done and where's Diedre alright night everyone smile, and don't let people get to you, after they make you feel like trash.

P.S. a lot of people have Scott's for a bf, I mean there's my cousin or 2nd cousin or is she 3rd I don't know anyhow my somthing cousing Brooke and the a SWUSY Houhew named Mor and well of course Diedre and probably whoever like the football one cause I'm sure he has a gf

Gov't notes not for Gov't

ha I finally did it yay, now she can't taunt me with it, lol I would have said I would prove her wrong but I figured it would be more fun if I didn't say it ahead of time. Probably in reality didn't make a difference. O so much fun
so much I wanted to say here and now I can't rember a thing errgghh Diedre being a menace again absorbing all my thoughts o and that reminds me I need to give you your dvd's back, not that saying it now will really do anything but o well, oo this will prob. be a good time to go through my gov't notes and post everything that wasn't meant to help me with gov't some are pretty fun.
OK so here goes well it actually starts sad like:
1/25( its got hebrew and all ths written is) ott lowe onee (I messed up it was supposed to be ott lowe ohavta onee o and ovhavta is feminine for ohev a verb hehe ask or search the beginning of my blog like up in Januaryish I think to find its meaning).
(on the side sideways is written:)
Women: battered to death: 4 a day
raped : every 3 min
battered: : every 15 sec (so it reminds me of the shelter I voluntteer at with posters like "he said he'ld never hit you again, but thats what he said last time", such a horrible feeling)
Tues Feb 01st David's Birthday
2005
(side:)
Texas has the most:
people in prison
nuclear war heads
wealth and income desparity
lowest 8th grade math scores (not really a most any more)
lowest voters
(most) millionaires
(most) firearm deaths
least amount tax of GNP
Tues 2/15/05 grades on test (previous schools so far this year) range 30-90
out of 70 only 3 90's
(thinking on 4 mult. choice instead of 5) minimum w/o knowlege 28.5
2/22/05 Tueday TAKS DAY (in a square) NEW TEST
(back of page) by 17 most people are politically set (left or right)
by 6 most people are personality set
3/1/05 Tuesday (for some reason I didn't seem to right on Thur.)
We wond state I got 5th best C
1200 +750
really awesome 1950
(back)out of 38 states w/ death penalty
Texas has 27 or 28 that committed the crime before 18 (most others have 1 or 2) and must be left off and put in prison
only 3 or 4 countries continue to kill minors
3/15/05 Tues 1 person 3 min early (log of who was there I left my rehearsal early to be there on time.
after break 9 people 1 min late
(back) Iraq's the size of Texas
only Mississippi pays K-12 teachers less than Tx.
o and I just remembered my brother, David for a second was probably more attached to me than my gf hanging on my arm and what not, then 5 min later, he took Gizmo's blanket and through it on his head he hates that so it made him all roudy, and so then seeing me laying on the ground he pretended like he was gonna drop the blanket on me and Giz would rip the blanket and anything with it to shreds.

Almost good

A lot of things this week were almost good if you take out the dead people and Diedre
Earlier this week while on the internet I got this call on call wave ( an internet answering machine since we only have one phone line and thats what we use to connect) it said somthing about talking to my parents, me being an eagle, and Clear Brooke High School. I got my mom to call back and I had won some scholarship, yay!!!! well amost you can't recieve it unless you attend Clear Creek ISD so I just don't live in the right place, but otherwise I qualify. Ok Next
I almost regained a friend not going into that story, but that had me filled with smiles for a short while, but I"m still a living nightmare I guess.
Next well if you put all those things back in from the top, the week started off miserable, but I managed to keep up a good mood till, about now. . .the end of the week so it almost ended on a good note.
and yea I'll stop here
I went to http://www.personalityquiz.net/test/dreamhouse.htm and did most of those those some of my results were kind of interesting someone should ask and people really need to post. . .
I'll give my results from one though: hehe fun. . .
Love Test--
answer reason (if one) meaning
1)short path to gf house; I wouldn't take my time, I want to spend time with her; meaning I fall in love quickly and easily
2)a dozen white 8 red; so the red stand out, expect 55% recieve 45% give
3)the maid; I wouldn't want to be a bother or catch her at a bad time; I avoid problems and ask a 3rd party to invtervene
4)on the bed; I always put things on beds, habit; I need lots of reasurrance, want to see loved one every day
5)asleep; umm just the way I would imagine, catch friends asleep; I accept loved one the way they are.
6) long path; Well no need to rush, plus its wonderous and exciting; tend to stay in love for a long time.
hey on that one I was like oo thats a bad answer and had the whole thing analyzed only missed one (2) and was wrong by one other(5), so yea 5 was a cool surprise ok I'll do one more
It's name 3 things and then it says what they rep.
so how I see myself or want others to see me: unique, friendly, and (some word for) not menacing
how I view death: : alone, boring, and awe
how I feel about love: : loud, beautiful, crash wow thats kind of depressing
ok well yea I feel even dumber now just finished talking to Charlotte and said stuff to make me sound really dumb and then felt even dumber when, I learned Diedre was there I probably look like a tomato at the moment wow, ok burning up.
Yea getting off now, so now too add more to my almost week umm. . .it was amost embarassment free, yea o well. The blind man sees a little more

Now Goes Under

Ok this is somthing along time ago I got on an AP mock test and wanted to post thought it was kind of neat thought it would be a good thing to do as a last thing to Kristin yea, it's kind of dead and past but its still a decent piece of literature so here it is

Now Goes Under. . .
by Edna St. Vincent Millay

Now goes under, and I watch it go under, the sun
That will not rise again.
Today has seen the setting, in your eyes cold
and senseless as the sea,
Of friendship better than bread, and of bright charity
That lifts a man a little above the beasts that run.

That this could be!
That I should live to see
Most vulgar Pride, that stale obstrperous clown,
So fitted out with purple robe and crown
With outraged me in this once holy place,
Where Wisdom was a favoured guest and hunted
Truth was harboured out of danger,
He bulks enthroned, a lewd, and insupportable stranger!

I would have sworn, indeed I swore it:
The hills may shift, the waters may decline,
Winter may twist the stem from the twig that bore it,
But never your love from me, your hand from mine.

Now goes under the sun, and I watch it go under.
Farewell, sweet light, great wonder!
You, too farewell--but fare not well enough to dream
You have done wisely to invite the night before the darkness came.

Spring Break End

OK this will be short I think unless I start rambling, most likely i will
Today could be sad as the end of the break and even though this break has been often, its really not sad, because today was just that spectacular pretty much this whole break was, there are only a few slight shadows and some seem be fixed others well won't get better till I let them, but honestly not only do I really not care any more its kind of gotten fun. Ok now for stuff that everyone should understand not select ind.
Today was awesome I loved all the dogs, one of them had a . . .hurt leg slightly worried me, more of a sympathy than a worry. yay fun wee, ok sorry thinking of Diedre it was awesome, ha and I even got spiffy hugs.
Her parents actually didn't scare me I"m kind of worried that will change but for the moment they have done anything to scare me off. It was kind of funny Diedre was like don't hate me, and they didn't do any more than say hi. and while we were watching the movie umm. . . do I want people reading it. . .sure why not. . .ok I kept kind of thinking should I throw my are around her shoulders, would that be weird, or imply somthing, I' m not really sure.
Alright so this Spring Break is the best I can ever remember the best Spring Trip of the 4 and well umm. . .I can't recall all the Spring Breaks so of the ones I can, none compare.

This is supposed to be sadder

yippitee I think this is one of the few times when this will be happier than my other blog
Yay and smileyness
Yay I got invited to go out with friends again still Ginny and Daniel, yay if they keep this up I'm going to start feeling like I'm part of the group
This and the fact that I'm talking to Diedre at the moment probably account for my happy mood, that and I watched some fun cop movie, where the good guys always win, and the partner saves the day but the main guy has to chase down the bad guy.
So yea
But today my house was empty like all day no brothers no dad. Just me and mom and she spent most the time in bed. It was peaceful, ok so now I'm ready for the chaos again not that peace is bad, I'ld love some more but that isn't likely to happen and so yea, but this break has me all ready to be like yay screaming and no breaks and lots of homework, ok maybe not yay to all of that I'm not that much of a nerd, to bad it would make life easy.
Alright so have fun and smile everybody, because the breaks over, and its back to school, my last 9 weeks before graduation, people have got to stop scaring me with that. Like my cousin was telling me should was try to book a flight to come down a month a head of time.
I love that people want to visit but once you visit stay and don't go away O and that reminds me, sorry this kind of bugs me, not that its bad just. . .yea: I saw this buddy icon sometimes you have to runaway to see who will follow. Why would you want to do that, I have a difficult enough time trying to get people to stay with me when I'm staying here, and then when I just start getting that down I'm forced away not running away, then I get to see who will stay in touch. Man I only have 2 and half months with you people. Then thats it then its just visitng from a 4 hour drive which means pretty much weekends only and maybe football games for band people. So now I"m gonna have to go around school this 9 weeks and start stealing peoples screen names so I can keep in touch.
Alright well have fun I know I plan to.

yod

hmm...
thoughts hmm. . .yod means hand in hebrew
Doesn't it suck when everyone seems to know somthing but you, exspecially when it pertains to you and none of them, oddly enough I'm on the other side this time. Sorry ____
Some people are really awesome others suck
I'm really frustrated at a couple of people at the moment and I'm hoping I"m just wrong I always am, but here I don't think I am luckily I've thought that before unfortunately umm I much more confident now, I wouldn't bet my life on it but errgghh people
OK Siobhan is spelled wrong lol
and umm. . .supposebly Brandon's broken
Ha I may have missed Diedre one day but only with the promise of another
O and umm. . .just some random stuff, some of this might be mean
it's kind of a good feeling and a cold one, which is somewhat bad, but umm. . . yea yesterday I was having a conversation with Kristin and through all that should have made me cringe and worry none of it really struck my interest until she said I had the wrong quotes or somthing like that then I jumped misunderstood what she meant but thats kind of horrible, when you give up caring to the point where a word is more valuabe than a person's feelings. O well, I'm tired and exhausted of her. so sad ;-(
umm on a happier note but still maybe mean
Diedre: you can go I won't mind
my thoughts: (actually that wasn't what worried me, I really just wanted to spend time with you)
Me: ok then but can we do somthing tomorrow then
yea I entirely umm. . .missed the whole. . . yea ok
David's been with this kid Aeris the enitre time this week he's been gone more than I have and I had NY for 5 days. Right now he's camping with him on the Lexington Battleship and last night he slept over at his house I've never seen my mom ever complain about since she's the youngest she always stands up for him, but even she's like its kind of nice that he's gone not that he's a bad kid, but umm. . .he's complains so much.
My moms the greatest although I'm starting to say that about a bunch of people they tend to either be the greatest, frustrating, on my list of people if only a few people made it to rebuild the world, just awesome, or I don't know them very well, there aren't too many people I call just friends right now, hmmm some what odd.
OK well I've probably given ya'll enough to read about my life.

:-)

fun fun fun fun fun yayayayayayayayay that was fun weee hug o the screens not fun to hug,
yippittee yay fluffyness, flufftacular, and flufferific yay
Ok, can't wait . . .dee dee dee so much fun
o yea and here some random stuff leaking from Spring Trip probably the stuff I forgot and was planning to put in the other blog ok so we get to back to the highschool I get my trombone and my day bad and see both my dad and my brother so I go over them and my dad gives me this cool reception you know hi, your back and all that, then my brother like hi and all that, so then I go back get my suitcase and this time he's like you know its like you've already left for college
me: Brandon I was only gone for 5 days
then my dad said somthing about this and the AD trip
Brandon: yea its more awkrard eating dinner when your here then when your gone
(my thoughts: thanks a lot, already trying to boot me out of the house)
Ok so yea smile smile happy happy and no no one leave everyone come with me to college its only 30,000 a year umm and know I'm all out of money and desperately am looking for scholarships so yea don't ask me to help get you there but please, come or if not then you owe it to me to stay and keep in touch
Alright so night everyone, and sweet dreams, the world is kind at least to me at least for now
and man is it a good feeling

Spring trip

OK I won't go over the whole trip just some highlights and recent thoughts of today
the thought I thought most often was
I could. . . but I won't bother her"
it actually happenned to a few girls but about 85% of it was one person, no guys oddly I think becuase the guys I hang out with I've hung out with so long I don't worry about bothering them, but the girls I haven't been hanging out with as long.
OK 5 days was too long, but the trip was fantastic no one else seems to have liked it as much as me
and Kristin's gonna drive me insane, why can't she (about to cuss) tell me anything, ok head splitting
Saturday was absolutely spectacular
Ginny and Charlotte were the greatest friends there well compared to what I was expecting I mean Daniel, Kevin, Jason, Robert, Chris, were all friends just all right I'll stop trying to explain myself
O right before I left I heard this question or 2
"Are you nervous?" yea a little "Why?" I'm not sure
ok a better answer I will always be nervous exspecially when I care even more with the knowlege that I screwed up once and have never succeeded, and as long as uhh, budduudduh, and so I worry I'll screw up or I don't think I really screwed up it was more that lack of doing things right
As long as things can get worst I will always be nervous, but as the speech teacher told me "being nervous just means you care, if your not nervous the you don't care about the" . . . well ok she said speech but alright
Yea I hate people hating me, there have been 2 that I know of or more disliking me the 1st was this kid named Steven he wasn't open about he just said it to some girl and I overheard it, I held a grudge against him for a couple years, and I promised myself I would never hold such a pointless grudge again. Yea but him I was never a friend to and so I finally got over it, now one of my friends dislikes me, and I'm not going to go any deeper but man errgghhh
ok next
I still have no idea why Diedre likes me I would be bored of me, but o well works for me. :-)
And why in the world is Good Night. . .bad, I guess I mean I say it to everyone never realized it could be taken negatively or somthing of that sort.
*big hug to Diedre
I wish I was better at that in real life
I hate giving up friends, but I think I screwed one up to far to ever retrieve, and I don't think 2 months is enough time to heal it,
Ginny's the greatest
worries I don't think I should yell to the world since they involve more than me
OK frustrated why so few weak little things can bother me when so much is going right.
Can't wait to see Diedre tomorrow or so I hope I will
Good nigh. . .ok nm not good night everyone but since some people don't like that if you don't have a sweet dream don't have nightmares and at least have a fair night everyone,
So frustrating

Finally home

Thoughts have been cruising my mind as of late. . .short on time so most will be said tomorrow.
but I'll start just by saying Charlotte and Ginny are the greatest ok . . .next
umm. . . yea the usual, is still on my mind errgghh a little frustrating but what can ya do
um. . alrighty yea hope everyone had a blast
2 songs that were most common in my head during that trip Crazy Train and Titanic odd they have almost nothing in common
ok times up gotta go bye

ubbub

yea. . . things are decent. . .I think
ubbub seemed a decent way to explain things so its my title.
yod
hmm. . .I've been saying that lately since, I started saying that while we were at state hmm. . .odd in hebrew that means hand, ehh it's kind of my new ud uh wuh, except now I use both
OK so people foremost on my mind not too difficult, Diedre and Kristin, but for incredibly different reasons, and I say they keep thinking of them in more and more different lights, but they are already about as far as they can rationally go.
Not that their opposites, but ok I'll shut up now
OK dismorning I started another post but ran out of time and so just started over since it was dumb it will probably show up later when its been awhile, ok well dismorning when I first read the quote I wrote somthing along the lines of:
Normally I would love this quote, normally this quote would make me smile and some time in the future it may even be my last thought to keep me sane, or maybe even alive, but at the moment the quote isn't as comforting as it should be rather its more haunting.
alright so the quote is: "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel" by Maya Angleo author of I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings
Yea it shouldn't be that hard to figure out why that was haunting, but today Kristin wasn't mean to me in fact rather than avoid she even got near me, yay so she's still mad at me I think??, but. . .I get my hopes up too easily.
So ok I guess I'll just . . .I don't know, but atleast some people still seem to care, but I don't want to give up a friend, here for those who still care, those who are reading this I won't get to read this till Tuesday at best, but could ya'll umm. . . just promise me to keep in touch after I graduate I don't want to lose everyone, I don't I don't I don't
Sorry thats one of my paranoia I"m afraid of being left alone, and if people don't keep in touch with me then I'll most likely forget everyone, I have a bad habit of doing that, so yea please keep in touch.
OK I really don't want to get off or leave everybody but yea I got to do stuff,
my last spring trip with the band. . .wow highschool's been too short
OK so I'm now to my end or atleast the end of this post, uguh dug, yod, ok well bye everybody till Tuesday I'll tell you how it went hopefully most of it goes to the other blog, with all types of fun stories and no dark thoughts need to go here.

Reminescing or however you spell it

Giving up although it feels miserable, really makes life easy
Hey you know long ago, actually that only goes back up until 4 months ago, I always told myself I didn't want a gf, I didn't have the time, I didn't have the personality, I wouldn't be able to deal with a break up, I would make a miserable boyfriend, I would make people miserable, any one who was dumb enough to like me I would screw up, and a whole bunch of other stuff, but I knew in reality it was all some bs excuse so I wouldn't have to deal with the fact that I was one of the only kids who had never had gf, I mean half the guys claim to have had a gf in Kindergarten I couldn't even get a real friend by then. I mean the closest thing of a friend I had by 1st grade was this kid who I looked up to he was the only kid smarter than me, yes even then I was doomed a nerd. He got to do all that special stuff that I would later learn to call GT. I was always envious, but honestly he didn't even know who I was. In fact thats one of the only memories I have from my primary school years was me sitting in line, but I had trouble crossing my legs still do, its a leg joint thing, so he told on me, first time I ever got in trouble and last time till I got old enough to have the responsibilites and abilities to forget things.
Ok so to a little closer times. those things that I feared yea I proved just about everyone of them true, not sure if I actually screwed up anyone, but I definately had my impact and I doubt a positive one, unless its somthing along the lines of one of those unseen blessings or somthing along the lines of making sure she has more caution because guys like me exist.
Hey heres some facts about the AD team
of the 3 C's 2 are graduating and both are there because of them decided to get into mischief 3 years ago
of the 3 B's 2 should be graduating and both were not at school today and may not graduate
of the 3 A's 1 is graduating, 1 is staying and the supergenius is moving to our rival
Ahh never got to finish gotta go, this all did have a sad purpose, but the answer to why I have no self confidence is in here and maybe I'll finish it. later